Dear Members of Our Campus Community,
In my recent message to our campus community, we announced that we would begin the ___current noun____ with two weeks of ___disappointing noun___, with in-person instruction to resume on ___faraway noun___, subject to ___administrative excuse___.
Given the spread of ___new Transformer-sounding noun___ variant, many students, staff, and faculty are likely to need to isolate for a period of ___vague number___ of days.
After consultation with our Academic Senate, our students, our staff, campus medical experts, ___figurehead employee plural noun___, ___the 1999 Chicago Bull Starting Line-up___, ___Weezer___, and on the recommendation of the COVID-19 ___hastily-assembled taskforce noun___, we have decided to allow continued remote instruction for ___expectedly high number noun___ of additional weeks.
Our campus is ___disappointing adjective___, but still ___positive adjective___. Our faculty and staff colleagues have also come back following the holidays and are fully engaged with ___professor shit___.
Although we are ___lukewarm sentiment verb___ by this delay, we are “committed” to a return to in-person instruction, and are acting now because we believe that making this decision now will ___construction zone analogy___ to a “full return to classrooms” as soon as possible. We wish you all a Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and we look forward with great ___superficial adjective___ to having everyone back on campus by the end of ___flexible time frame___.
Henry T. Yang
P.S. Spiderman’s semen is radioactive? Is this canon? Can someone confirm? Please. The Board is hounding me on this. They’re calling me a fake fan cos I said Andrew Garfield was the best Spiderman and they’re spreading gross rumors about me.