ISLA VISTA (G.M.) According to an anonymous source (credible), UC Santa Barbara’s COVID-19 task force spent the past month developing a comprehensive list of potential options for the university’s return to campus. The document is provided in its entirety as follows:

• Remain fully online until Omicron peak subsides

• Full return to campus, masked (N95s strongly recommended)

• Hybrid teaching w/ large lectures online, sections, labs in-person

• Outdoors-only teaching; temporarily convert most open spaces

• Return to in-person w/o masks, ban breathing

• Place “undesirable” professors on furlough until “necessary”

• Place riot fences around campus without plausible explanation

• Expose US News fight club over college rankings; go into hiding

• Provide $20 Circuit City giftcards to student body; “pandemic relief”

• Secede from the UC system, declare “People’s Republic of UC Santa Barbara”

• Announce Yang passed away in ‘20; coup led by COLA took power shortly after

• Ch. Yang fights the virus in 1v1 Pay-Per-View boxing match on HBOmax 

• Unveil UCSB+; For double your tuition, you get the college experience that movies told you about while less fortunate students continue to suffer.
Click here to start your 7-day free trial! 

• Hold Extravaganza 2020, develop a willing lineup (Marilyn Manson, Limp Bizkit, Hannah Montana, etc.)

• Drain the lagoon to prevent ducks’ spread of Omiquack variant

• Announce: “Plan? You want us to have a plan? lmao none of this shit matter yo” 

• Appoint Gaucho Marks editorial team to head return to in-person task force

• Copy-paste UC Davis’ plan to our website

We are beginning to question whether Justin from ATΩ is a reasonable source.

(1/22/22 14:05) With the student body returning to in-person lectures on January 31st, the Office of the Chancellor has released a short comment to Gaucho Marks regarding their decision-making to opt for the second option in their list:

@ucsb who the fuck snitched

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As journalistic integrity remains Gaucho Marks’ top priority, our publication remains vigilant to provide updates in real-time and will continue to update the article as new information becomes available to us.