ISLA VISTA (G.M.) According to an anonymous source (credible), UC Santa Barbara’s COVID-19 task force spent the past month developing a comprehensive list of potential options for the university’s return to campus. The document is provided in its entirety as follows:
• Remain fully online until Omicron peak subsides
• Full return to campus, masked (N95s strongly recommended)
• Hybrid teaching w/ large lectures online, sections, labs in-person
• Outdoors-only teaching; temporarily convert most open spaces
• Return to in-person w/o masks, ban breathing
• Place “undesirable” professors on furlough until “necessary”
• Place riot fences around campus without plausible explanation
• Expose US News fight club over college rankings; go into hiding
• Provide $20 Circuit City giftcards to student body; “pandemic relief”
• Secede from the UC system, declare “People’s Republic of UC Santa Barbara”
• Announce Yang passed away in ‘20; coup led by COLA took power shortly after
• Ch. Yang fights the virus in 1v1 Pay-Per-View boxing match on HBOmax
• Unveil UCSB+; For double your tuition, you get the college experience that movies told you about while less fortunate students continue to suffer.
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• Hold Extravaganza 2020, develop a willing lineup (Marilyn Manson, Limp Bizkit, Hannah Montana, etc.)
• Drain the lagoon to prevent ducks’ spread of Omiquack variant
• Announce: “Plan? You want us to have a plan? lmao none of this shit matter yo”
• Appoint Gaucho Marks editorial team to head return to in-person task force
• Copy-paste UC Davis’ plan to our websiteWe are beginning to question whether Justin from ATΩ is a reasonable source.
(1/22/22 14:05) With the student body returning to in-person lectures on January 31st, the Office of the Chancellor has released a short comment to Gaucho Marks regarding their decision-making to opt for the second option in their list:
@ucsb who the fuck snitchedTweet
As journalistic integrity remains Gaucho Marks’ top priority, our publication remains vigilant to provide updates in real-time and will continue to update the article as new information becomes available to us.