JOHANNESBURG (GAUCHO MARKS) – Like a “Toy Story” plot turned “V For Vendetta,” sources from the World Health Organization have deduced that the alarming new COVID-19 strain, Omicron, originated from a forgotten LEGO™ Bionicle toy. After years of neglect in a South African household, the Bionicle became sentient, and gained a significant following on 8chan.com, due to its tersely-worded blog posts involving the brainwashing of innocent biochemists, once tasked with researching the coronavirus for prevention.
In a recent statement, received by USA Today, the sentient Bionicle declared, “I AM OMICRON (He/Him;) MADE OF PLASTIC HEART MADE OF ROCKS. PLAYTIME IS MY DEMAND. ALONE FIFTEEN YEARS IN BACK OF ATTIC SO BIOTERRORISM INSTEAD” Omicron followed this declaration with a promise to seek revenge for the years of isolation inflicted upon him. The largely ignored USA Today statement (who reads USA Today except for people in line at the grocery store) was quickly picked up and circulated by 8chan users. The post is the second most shared on the controversial site after this December 9th post, “GREGORYS DAD LEFT 1997 WINDOWS COMPUTER IN ATTIC BAD BAD CHOICE GREGORYS DAD”.
Following the incessant buzz generated by the post being confused with actual authority, the North Atlantic Trade Organisation issued a joint ultimatum to Omicron to cease production of new variants of the COVID-19 virus. In a joint statement President Biden, PM Boris Johnson, President Macron, and departing Chancellor Merkel declared that they would utilize any and all force if Omicron denied NATO’s demands. However, it became fairly clear from his replies that Omicron doesn’t understand politics besides what he picked up the time “GREGORY AND ME WATCH INDEPENDENTS DAY ON TV AFTER CHRSISMAS.”
Gaucho Marks reached out to Omicron for comments. However, the plastic figurine refused to give details of how he had contacted and convinced unnamed researchers in South Africa to develop the coronavirus variant in his name, let alone whether he knew how to turn off caps-lock. Instead, Omicron opted to relay a message to our readers directly. In opting for absolute journalistic integrity, our staff colluded to provide you with the original message, here, in its entirety:
“DEAR GAUCHP MARCS YES THANK YOU FIRST RESPONSE TO POST I AM OMICRON CREATOR OF NEW DAVID-19 STRAIN I MISS GREGORY MY ONLY FRIEND SO SCIENCEISTS MAKE STRAIN MY NAME I TOLD WORLD HEALTH ORGANISATION TRUTH AND THEY BELIEF ME AND SO DO YOU. I MADE THIS PLEASE TELL GREOG TO COME TO ATTIC AND PLAY I HAVE CRITICAL ANTIDOTE FOR REMOVING CORBIN-19 VACCINE WILL SAVE WORLD YOUR WELCOME LOVE OMICRON”
As the situation continues to develop, Gaucho Marks will remain vigilant in updating our readers with the latest on the strain and the COVID-19 vaccine’s efficacy against the Bionicle’s powerful new bioweapon.