UCSB Agrees to Offer $54,000/yr Salary to Grad Workers—in Gauchobucks

Written by Jesse Shedd, Andrew Merriam

At 3:30 AM this morning, the UC Regents convened to present the UAW 2865 Student Workers with a final offer to stop the ongoing strike before finals week. In “accordance” with COLA (Cost of Living Adjustment), it has been proposed that the UC will give not a 5% raise, not an 8% raise, but a whole heaping fifty-four thousand buckaroos a year to its academic student workers… to be paid out in non-refundable “Gauchobucks.”

But what exactly are Gauchobucks? Who knows? Official information on them is scarce.

“I kept seeing these signs saying that the place accepted Gauchobucks, and I had no idea what they were,” admitted Erica Williams, a graduate student. “I was getting a little creeped out— I was wondering, was it like, a sex thing?”

We had no idea either, so we conducted a survey. Here’s some of the sanest and most reasonable responses we received:

“I know exactly what GauchoBucks is,” claimed Rocky T. Jackson, who asked us not to print her name. “It’s like, money, for gauchos? And… um… yeah.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sure your survey is very impressive. I’m late to my lecture, so please, go away.” said Professor E. Garcia, who was far more polite than the other two professors we ambushed that night.

“Gauchobucks are an innovative system designed to promote student welfare by ensuring that students ingest victuals of adequate nutrition while transitioning from interdependence with their progenitors to utter autonomy, though admittedly the particulars of the program have not quite been promulgated,” opined Tiffany Miller, an undergraduate pre-Economics major.

“Y’know how there are hunting preserves all round the campus? Well, if you manage to take down a deer during the season, you can bring it to any of them restaurants with the little thingy in the window. They’ll give you the full cash value of the buck, in store credit, and even let ya keep the rack,” asserted a young person who identified themselves only as ‘Spike’.

“I am quite sure that I haven’t the slightest idea,” said Ms. Suzanna d’Antebellum, “but if I may have a moment of your time, sir, would you direct me towards the nearest Heliotrope?”

“Hm? Oh, no clue. Now, as I was saying, the roots are…” mentioned Professor J. King, who managed to corner our reporters in her office and continue a conversation on early Turkish architecture for several hours.

“Où est l’arrêt la gar? Je suis coincé ici depui trois mois”, claimed Pierre Foucault. “Il fait très froid la nuit.”

“They’re a way to let my kid have some spending money, while making sure she doesn’t spend it on hookers and blow,” remarked David Jonhassen, whose child attends UCSB.

“No.” answered someone in the library who asked me to watch their computer.

According to the university, Gauchobucks will be redeemable at all campus-sanctioned businesses, including the UCSB Company Campus Store, Woodstock’s Pizza, and the Overpriced German Pretzel Stand. 

As Gauchobucks can’t be used to pay rental fees in Santa Barbara County, the proposal comes along with a change to campus life as we know it. In a few weeks from today, the third floor of the UCen will be cleared out and converted to a capsule hotel, rentable for the price of 40,000 Gauchobucks per academic year (not including summer). Workers housed in this complex will be free to roam their 2 sq. ft. of living space alongside a small recreational area (excluding curfew hours from 8 pm to 8 am). The UC is hopeful this offer will dissuade UAW 2865 from continuing their strike, and initiate a return to “normal” “functioning” at the “University.”

Update: As of 11/21/22, UAW 2865 strikers have stated they will accept UCSB’s offer on the condition that Gauchobucks be spendable on hookers and blow. The University is yet to respond.