Written by Andrew Merriam, Graphics by Jesse Shedd, Liz Phillips
Anthony Albanese, Prime Minister of Australia, announced yesterday that the Commonwealth of Australia intends to annex the Central Coast of California. “Though the cost of implementing governance overseas is high,” he said, “the benefits of an Australian presence in North America cannot be overestimated.”
Albanese continued, “If the Central Coast didn’t want to be annexed, they should have planted fewer eucalyptus trees.”
California Governor Gavin Newsom claims that this new development was a surprise. “I had no idea that this was coming, but frankly, they can have it,” he said in an emergency press conference. “Their claim is entirely valid under the 1975 Biological Weapons Convention, to which the US is a signatory.” This would be the first occupation of American soil by the British Commonwealth since 1812.
But what does this mean in regards to UCSB? Today around 2AM, Chancellor Yang released a TikTok video addressing the issue. From his home atop Storke Tower, Yang assured the public that “we’ll find a way to cope.” He also announced that UCSB would be permanently renaming itself to just University of Santa Barbara (USB) in preparation for the change in governance. “We would just change it to UASB,” he continued, “but frankly we don’t have the budget. We’re just going to pull the ‘C’ off of all of our signs and hope for the best.”
Despite USB being short for Universal Serial Bus, Yang assured the public that the bus system in and around campus will continue to be unusable.
While all levels of administration seem to support the new regime, or are too depressed to do anything, the student body is not so keen on this proposed change. Student groups have taken to the streets, organizing protests with upwards of 10 attendees and holding signs reading “#LandOutback” and “Vote NAUR on Prop. 43!” Several environmental groups, including the Environmental Affairs Board, have united to release a statement on the matter.
“Eucalyptus trees are an invasive species that do nothing but choke out native plants and animals,” the statement reads. “According to one article about UCSB’s trees, they are classified as a ‘colonizing species.’ Our only option is to dismantle the eucalyptus institution from the ground up.”
The EAB also proposed a solution: “Koalas are the natural enemies of eucalyptus trees. By introducing a population of koalas to the ecosystem, they will hunt all the eucalyptus to extinction. Surely there is nothing that could go wrong with this plan. Trust me, my roommate is an ES major.”
Update: Albanese said in a press statement in response to student concerns: “Get fucked, you dumb cunts, koalas are also native to Australia. Maybe you should’ve paid more attention in primary school. This only reinforces our claim to the territory. See you soon, dickwads.”
The eucalyptus trees were unavailable for comment.