To: Chancellor Yang, From: Your Midnight Lagoon Lover

Dear Chancellor Yang,

I literally love you so much. I wish it were me who you “allegedly” hit with your car, and I would’ve paid double my tuition to die as a result of being struck by your vehicle. If I were Chancellor of a highly ranked public university that is undergoing a huge housing shortage, the first thing I would do would be to take a $100,000 pay raise as well. The way you sit on your ass and make thousands is truly motivating. On top of that, your plans for Munger Hall are just as great as you. I fully support cramming students into a concrete building like sardines while simultaneously jerking off a billionaire for a few million in return. 

As inspiring as these actions are, allow me to flashback to the moment when my true love for you was conceived. I remember my freshman year, walking from the library back to my 5-person dorm room in Manzi late at night. The fog was thick that night, almost as thick as your juicy little ass. As I passed by the lagoon, I noticed something frolicking and splashing around in the murky waters. I thought it was just a silly little raccoon at first. I waited to see if the raccoon would come closer. Suddenly, the fog parted, and I came to realize the frolicking and splashing was you, Chancellor!! Our eyes met, and in that moment our souls became intertwined. Quick! Queue True by Spandau Ballet!!

It was from that moment forward that I knew I was forever in deep, deep love with you Chancellor Yang. No other Short King could ever compare, for you are the King of them all. Our chemistry must have scared you in that moment, for you pranced off into the night. I cried after you, “Wait! Henry! Don’t go!” You looked back from across the lagoon, gave me the most sultry wink I have ever come to witness, and ran off into the night. I’ll never forget the way you leaped, squirting water out of your mouth like a dolphin, wearing nothing but a striped blue and gold tie. I just hope that you never forget me Chancellor, and that magical moment we shared. 

With love, 

Your Midnight Lagoon Lover