Dear Members of Our “Valued” Campus Community,

We know times are still tough, and frankly, they’re getting worse every day. From climate change, the seemingly never-ending pandemic, and now this thing called monkeypox (like, can we please stop fucking animals for one day?), the Office of the Chancellor understands your persisting unease about the future.

Anyways, none of this matters to us. As you know, we lifted the mask mandate last spring and basically just said “Fuck it.” Speaking of crises, sorry about the housing one. We’re truly sorry about that, but there’s nothing we can do. Blame the politicians up in Sacramento, or Governor Newsom, or the cucks up on Capitol Hill. We certainly won’t take any of the blame. We’re just in it for the money. Speaking of money, rent is too damn high and gas is off the charts, but you already know that. The list of bad things just goes on and on. Don’t worry! You are the future, and the future is counting on you. If only you could all hang on a bit longer. Listen, we’re well aware that some of you are barely hanging on by a thread, the writer of this piece certainly is, and we’ve only just begun the school year. We know that on- and off- campus mental health services aren’t fulfilling the high demands from students. Our bad, what can we say? Sorry? Nah, we’re not going to do that. We legally cannot take any blame. Look it up. It’s the law.

We know that confidence in campus authority is at an all-time low, and that makes us SAD. That is why the Office of the Chancellor, and the Office of the Executive Vice Chancellor, have finally come together to figure some things out. We’re a bit embarrassed to say, but this was the first time that Chancellor Henry T. Yang and Executive Vice Chancellor David Marshall have actually met in person. We’ve only ever communicated over League of Legends before. It’s no secret that no one in the UCSB administration actually communicates with one another. We’re all very shy. Anyways, we all got together over a nice Italian dinner: Gabagool, Spaghetti-O’s, and a tall, crisp glass of Mint Yerba Mate, to ask ourselves what we could realistically be doing to improve the livelihoods of our students and staff. So, the Office of the Chancellor and the Office of the Executive Vice Chancellor are pleased to announce that we have decided that we simply cannot make any promises to make things better. It’s not possible, even if we tried. There is nothing that we could get paid enough to do that’s necessary to fix anything at UCSB. That is why we, the powers that be, have decided we will just continue adding fuel to the dumpster fire that is UCSB. We can’t make anything better, that much is true. Oh, but we can make it worse. Much, much worse. In fact, if last year has taught us anything, we’re very good at making it worse.

Members of our campus community, now might be the point where you find yourselves asking, “How can things possibly get any worse?” Well, we’re glad you asked! First, we heard you and we did the work, so Munger Hall is now cancelled. To add injury to insult, we decided to deny 60% of students who applied for housing. Have fun commuting from Oxnard assholes! Instead, we will be directing our funding and efforts toward building the Thirty Meter Telescope. The threat of far-right populism around the globe? Deal with it. In fact, we’re inviting Turning Point USA founder Charlie Kirk to be our 2023 Commencement speaker. Have fun silencing him you dipshits. Sister Cindy is now the new Executive Director of Student Health.

Oh, and guess what? Thanks to the efforts of campus researchers, I, Henry T. Yang, will now live forever. Yah, they figured out how to do that thing from that Ryan Reynolds movie Self/less. You know the one where some old rich dude transfers his consciousness to a younger body? I’m going to be Chancellor until the end of days. This is in fact our villain origin story. It is our joker moment. The devil shivers when a nice guy loses his temper. So, dear members of our campus community, we say to you: GET BENT! Good luck with the rest of the quarter, and we look forward to seeing your downward progression throughout the year. It’s gonna get worse, before it gets worse.

Sincerely,

Henry T. Yang
Chancellor
David Marshall
Executive Vice Chancellor