The Facility for Greek Lives, headquartered in the Malibu Surfrider community, has halted production on their high-grossing “Frat Boys & Sorority Babes” line of students. Formerly unphased by the pandemic, board trustee Henry T. Yang instituted mandatory COVID-19 testing, forcing 82% of the factory employees to isolate themselves, given their low vaccination rates. As a result, the UCSB Class of 2025 will likely see a sharp decline in fraternity and sorority membership; the Facility announced earlier today that they are “deeply saddened that [they] must momentarily cease production of the worlds’ normalest people.”

“We found that by giving them duller personalities and strictly regulating their beauty standards increased profits ninefold,” mentioned Tristan Harlington Ponsonby-Smythe III, a representative from the Facility, “and responded synergistically with our financial holdings in Anheuser-Busch, Juul, and the Orange County Police Association.” 

The UCSB Alumnus Foundation responded, “The financial stability of UC Santa Barbara depends on trust fund recipients who never experience depression, look down upon minorities, and trust that their parents’ reputations will drive them to corporate success. These alumni are deeply engrained in campus Greek life and drive the good health of our social ecosystem.” 

The most popular models of the “Sorority” lines, the Laurens and Hayleys, commonly identifiable by their white sneakers, “Valley girl” accent, and blind trust in the free market, are distillations of the Facility’s most successful past models, namely their “Karen” and “Ashleigh” lines whose popularity in the 1980s sustained the company’s financial success until 9/11. 

Continuing, Ponsonby-Smythe III continued, “As long as 30% of our male units are sent into ROTC programs at their universities and graduate while on duty, the need for Tristans is high. With the rising interest of non-Fratties joining the military, our units are slowly being weeded out. We used to believe that a steep discount for white, upper-middle-class families would make up for the model’s inherent lack of intuition. Or, um, so I’ve been told.”

This is a truly heartbreaking story of a hardworking American seeing their ideals get destroyed simply because of a stupid little virus. Will the Facility get back to how they were before? Will they continue to slow down until they are completely defunct? Foreman Tristan, a beacon of hope for these facilities, does not seem to be worried. He’s someone who is not afraid of the change but worries that their past will mean nothing as if it already has. Foreman Tristan showed us a wallet photograph of his son who was enrolled at UC Santa Barbara, looking and “acting just like [him] and [his] own father before [him].” 

“That’s my boy.”