With so many opportunities to party in this beautiful beachside town, residents of Isla Vista often forget about the less fortunate. If they would only look hard enough, many would see the mentally challenged struggling to get by one day at a time. A true Samaritan would stop to chat with such disabled folk, and they would realize that what those poor souls plagued with debilitating illnesses such as mental retardation, schizophrenia, and Down’s syndrome really want is not pity or patronizing assistance with everyday tasks. They want what we all want: to party. Finally, somebody has risen up to the task of providing for the special.
Beloved Isla Vista transportation enterprise Bill’s Bus has recently expanded to meet the demands of the rising cognitively disabled population. Owner and operator Bill Williamson noticed the proliferation of this niche market and sprung at the chance to open “Bill’s Short Bus,” a smaller and friendlier alternative to those looking to party all night and still get back in time for finger painting.
The bus, which can be seen ambling along the 101 blaring “The Wheels on the Bus,” has been a smashing success. Everyone seems to be lining up to get on the special bus that proudly broadcasts, “Awesome in Every Spectrum” directly on the side. Like its typically sized cousin, Bill’s Short Bus transports special students from Isla Vista to downtown Santa Barbara, with a few key stops along the way. Up first is the Montessori, where riders can enjoy a quick game of Heads Up 7-Up before story time. After show and tell, the bus takes off for snack time at Bubba Gump. The trip ends at Ralph’s in Goleta, where each rider can take a turn on the kiddie ride shaped like a rocket ship, courtesy of the bus driver.
Driver and part owner Louis Gomez is excited about this progressive expansion. “Honestly, I like driving with actual retards better than drunk kids,” said Gomez. “They don’t wet themselves or puke as often.” Gomez added that while the mentally challenged are typically more even-keeled than his usual clientele, they present obstacles of their own. “I once had this girl with Tourette’s randomly scream the names of Academy Award winners in my ear. I’ll admit, I didn’t know that Marisa Tomei won ‘Best Supporting Actress’ for 1991’s My Cousin Vinny, but it was still really disruptive.”
The short bus has been increasingly profitable for Bill’s transportation empire since the acquisition of two key sponsors: Depends® and Monster Energy Drink®. The vehicle is now fully stocked with a variety of incontinence protection in addition to a surplus of caffeine at all times. According to severely bipolar rider Jack Fulton, “It’s pretty great to have a supply of energy boosts to keep you going on a night out with your FUCKING ASSWAD SHIT-SMEARING NIGGER FAGGOT FRIENDS!”
While catering to the mentally handicapped partygoers at night, the short bus also serves as a Dial-a-Ride for Isla Vista’s elderly residents during the day. “After creating the short bus, we noticed another group whose infatuation with revelry goes unsupported; the elderly. We figured that the bus can operate during the day for seniors,” said Bill. “Plus we had a fuckton of Depends left over.” The bus holds a BINGO and happy hour from 1-2 p.m, featuring signature drinks like Metamucil Sangria and Glucosamine Margaritas for octogenarians who still have some life and liquid blood left in them.
The two operations have been accident free since inception, excluding an incident in which one of the younger nighttime riders accidentally overdosed on a bottle of Mylanta he found under a seat. Despite the current lawsuit, both services are running and currently accepting new riders.
Look for the short bus Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights in front of Isla Vista Elementary School.