Scandalous Break-Up Between Gaucho Defender and Referee Results in Loss to Davis

Last week UCSB’s senior defender Seamus McCaghlahan attacked his on-again-off-again boyfriend Gerard Carpenter, who also happened to be the referee of the pivotal UC Davis vs. UCSB soccer game.

            UCSB Athletic director John Massari has since removed McCaghlahan from the team, leaving fans and teammates disappointed and shocked.
            Carpenter and McCaghlahan met two years ago at a game against Cal Poly. Carpenter overtly sided with UCSB during the game, giving countless questionable yellow cards to their opponents while McCaghlahan’s calves glistened under fluorescent lighting.
            According to a source close to McCaghlahan, the two men started dating in mid 2010, but the relationship was even less consistent than UCSB’s performance this soccer season.
            As player-referee-relationships are against NCAA rules, they kept their love a secret from everyone except a few close friends. 
“They didn’t want it to get out that they were together,” said Mary Lease, a close friend of McCaglahan. “On the field they acted completely professional, even cold towards each, sort of like someone might act toward their one night stand at Portola for breakfast the next morning. Just no emotions at all.”
            Problems arose when McCaghlahan became unfaithful, evidently able to keep it in the goal but not in his pants. After a slew of indiscretions and two mysterious rashes, Carpenter finally confronted McCaghlahan outside of the popular Los Angeles club Tiger Heat. This time the break up stuck—and it arrived on the eve of the game against UC Davis.
            Whether from jealousy or syphilis, Carpenter appeared blind during the Davis game, letting numerous fouls go uncalled. Things reached a breaking point when Carpenter didn’t call a blatant foul committed against Gaucho keeper sophomore Mark Haverford in the play that won the game for Davis’ Aggies.
            Players and Head Coach Jim Gellar pleaded with Carpenter for the call, but he merely shook his head antagonistically at the berated Gauchos. Overcome with rage, McCaghlahan charged at Carpenter and slapped him in the face. Carpenter was aggravated and not aroused as he fell to the ground.
            McCaghlahan could be heard shouting insults while being escorted off the field, including: “How dare you?”, “You’ll never do better than me!” and “I’m keeping our joint ‘Crate and Barrel’ credit card you bastard!”
            McCaghlahan now faces battery chargers while the team has announced that regardless of the outcome of the last two games they will not participate in post season play, marking the first time in 11 years that UCSB will not participate in the NCAA tournament.
            For McCaghlahan, it evidently would have been better to have never loved at all than to have loved and lost to UC Davis.
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