Wielding the momentum of successful discoveries in the sex scandal surrounding former CIA Director Gen. David Petraeus, the Federal Bureau of Investigation launched multiple, simultaneous investigations into the nation’s top intelligence collecting agencies, including UCSB’s own College of Creative Studies. The small undergraduate college rivals the Central Intelligence Agency in professionalism, brainpower, and resources, leading the FBI to believe that there may be scandalous activities behind its closed doors. FBI Agent Paul Beckett, the leader of the investigation, has gathered a team of highly trained specialists to uncover any sordid practices that may exist within the intellectual powerhouse.
“We’ve already investigated Google, the U.S. branch of Mensa, and the mind of puzzle filmmaker Charlie Kaufman, so naturally CCS was our next stop,” said Agent Beckett in a press release on Tuesday. “Any group of students with so many academic perks must be intellectually superior to most, so they’re probably taking a page out of the CIA’s book by fucking away that burden.”
At the time of that press release, Beckett’s team had already completed a thorough inquiry into the CCS Computer Science discipline, discovering dozens of flirtatious emails between students and faculty. These emails were discovered by Agent Andre Bruno, known widely in the bureau as an effeminate gossip hound.
“Many of the emails were innocuous enough, just both parties playing hard to get, but after a few exchanges, they started to get really juicy,” said Agent Bruno. “One student tried to get another to role play as a sexy hard drive that needed to be ‘reformatted’.”
“I love it, it’s so naughty,” added Agent Bruno.
While the FBI is clearly enthusiastic about the investigation, many CCS students believe that the actions of the bureau are not only a breach of their privacy, but unconstitutional as well. After agents caught him in the CCS sculpture yard engaging in a threesome with two Art majors, Physics student Nathan Littrell decried the investigation as an attack on his rights as a citizen.
“First the CIA, now CCS; this is how civil war starts,” protested Littrell. “Pretty soon, the government is going to start sending out drones to spy on innocent civilians, and I’m probably going to have to design them because I’m such a god damn genius. Fuck my life.”
The general consensus within CCS leans in Littrell’s direction, with many students passing around a petition that would allow the bastion of American intellect to secede from the United States. To Literature major Alan Wagner, this move is a gross overreaction to what should instill pride in CCS students.
“I’m not bothered at all by the investigation,” said Wagner after performing 45 minutes of cunnilingus on his Japanese Poetry professor. “Let them watch us enviously through their primitive instruments as we make love in our ivory tower.”
“After all,” added Wagner, “didn’t God intend only for the smartest men to breed?”