By: A Former Pescatarian

This past week, UCSB’s very own Institute of Marine Science made an astounding discovery about the nature of the aquatic vertebrates that reside in oceans the world over: There are no fish—not in Campus Point Beach, not in the Pacific Ocean, and not in any place on the planet. The creatures formerly known as fish are actually dogs in disguise.

Alfred Jarvik, the researcher responsible for the revelation that rocked the marine science community revealed, “I was as shocked as anyone else. I’ve been responsible for a long term research project studying the lives of the California Striped Bass, and while I was near one [of the fish] the current ripped it’s mask off, revealing a chihuahua with what appeared to be a high tech breathing apparatus. I don’t know how deep this conspiracy goes, but what I do know is that we have been duped.”

Upon further examination, it was discovered that every single fish in the aquarium was actually a dog. Fisheries globally have corroborated this finding, leaving scientists with no choice but to assume that there are no fish, and in fact, there never have been. “In retrospect, it was kind of obvious. I can’t believe that we missed it this whole time!”

Student Laura Finley commented, “I think my entire life has been wasted. I’m in the middle of my senior thesis based on the seasonal movement patterns of pacific halibut and how it affects sea bird populations, but now I have to scrap the whole thing. My heart was set on pursuing a career researching fish, but at this point, I might as well become a veterinarian. At least dogs are cute.”

Now retired surfer, Chris Finn, said, “I used to love surfing in Campus Point Beach, but since the news, I’ve been too scared to go into the water. Just the thought of those beady canine eyes watching me—it’s too much,” he said, visibly shuddering. “I think I might have to just give up water sports altogether, to be completely safe.”

Remember, do not feed fish to your dog: that’s cannibalism.