Not unlike Detroit, UC Santa Barbara has announced that it has declared Chapter 9 Bankruptcy, citing gross mismanagement of funds and I.O.U.’s, according to a lengthy press release covered in the Daily Nexus.
This announcement comes after years of scrutiny over Chancellor Henry T. Yang’s many-a-faux pas, quoting to have begun his announcement with “Shit baby, we’re straight outta cash”. From the controversy regarding Yang’s involvement with the Thirty Meter Telescope, his support of Charlie Munger’s Munger Hall, his administration’s inadequate management and inability to handle the spread of COVID-19, and his affairs with both involved parties of the famed “Duck Couple”, this bankruptcy announcement adds to Yang’s long list of administrative Butterfinger™ moments. While it remains unclear how this will affect students, Yang’s recent income hike will “not” be dismissed; the Chancellor recently reconciled his outrage over said pay increase by adding twelve metric tons of dried Sea-Monkeys™ to the lagoon, introducing a rampantly invasive species of predator to its already-limping ecosystem.
However, in an attempt to diversify Gaucho Marks’ textual output and to avoid “… pushing out low-hanging lulz about deez chancellor nutz… too scared to take a real shot at the admins and local politics, kids,” as noted by a coupla ne’erdowell Reddit goblins. Gaucho Marks is out to expose the real masterminds behind the impropriety of campus Administration.
That’s right, we’re talking about you, Vice Chancellor David Marshall.
The Pulitzer Prize-ignored journalists at Gaucho Marks have uncovered a trove of documents that reveal your cold and calculating hand in every slip-up at UCSB and in the Greater Santa Barbara area since your ascension to leader of the People’s Republic of U.C. Santa Barbara.
We just have one question for you.
We will “update” this article as new developments emerge.
Derek Mejia is one of the unfunny and uninteresting writers at Gaucho Marks LLC. When he is not spending time being absolutely unfunny and uninteresting, he enjoys spending time trying to find jokes that are not about Nexustentialism, Chancellor Yang, poop, farts, or peepee, respectively.