With classes now in full swing, it has become fairly apparent in every lecture who the people are that have decided to challenge the widely accepted custom that lecture is a time to shut up and pretend to learn. As a hopeful remedy to this, here is a list of some sounds that one might make while in lecture and when they are appropriate, inappropriate or questionable.
Inappropriate: The default iPhone one that everyone hates.
Appropriate: Something hilarious, like “Baby Got Back” or the Canadian National Anthem. Seriously, if it’s one of those two, please arrange to have someone call you every single lecture.
Questionable: The sound of a very loud fire alarm.
Inappropriate: When you’re getting sick. Keep that shit to yourself.
Appropriate: When you’re getting lit. Don’t keep that shit to yourself.
Questionable: When you’re getting a testicular examination. In class. (Why are you getting a testicular exam at this age? When your mother asked you to be more mature, this is not what she meant.)
Inappropriate: You’ve actually fallen asleep.
Appropriate: You’re fake snoring to alert the class to the fact that what’s being taught is super boring, like a latter-day Homer Simpson, returned to college.
Questionable: The noise you emit whilst sleeping is the two-part “snooore + mememememe” of a cartoon character.
Inappropriate: You’re having a conversation with the voices in your head.
Appropriate: You’re giving an incorrect professor his comeuppance à la Good Will Hunting.
Questionable: You’re having a conversation with the voices in your head regarding the artistic and literary merits of Good Will Hunting.
Inappropriate: It’s loud enough that everyone within a five seat radius could triangulate its person of origin.
Appropriate: It’s quiet enough that you can purse your lips and play it off as not being able to whistle.
Questionable: Glass shatters.