“Some Guidelines for Appropriate and Inappropriate Sounds to Make in Lecture”

With classes now in full swing, it has become fairly apparent in every lecture who the people are that have decided to challenge the widely accepted custom that lecture is a time to shut up and pretend to learn. As a hopeful remedy to this, here is a list of some sounds that one might make while in lecture and when they are appropriate, inappropriate or questionable.

GM classroom
See #5

 

  1. Ringtones

Inappropriate: The default iPhone one that everyone hates.

Appropriate: Something hilarious, like “Baby Got Back” or the Canadian National Anthem. Seriously, if it’s one of those two, please arrange to have someone call you every single lecture.

Questionable: The sound of a very loud fire alarm.

  1. Coughing

Inappropriate: When you’re getting sick. Keep that shit to yourself.

Appropriate: When you’re getting lit. Don’t keep that shit to yourself.

Questionable: When you’re getting a testicular examination. In class. (Why are you getting a testicular exam at this age? When your mother asked you to be more mature, this is not what she meant.)

  1. Snoring

Inappropriate: You’ve actually fallen asleep.

Appropriate: You’re fake snoring to alert the class to the fact that what’s being taught is super boring, like a latter-day Homer Simpson, returned to college.

Questionable: The noise you emit whilst sleeping is the two-part “snooore + mememememe” of a cartoon character.

  1. Talking

Inappropriate: You’re having a conversation with the voices in your head.

Appropriate: You’re giving an incorrect professor his comeuppance à la Good Will Hunting.

Questionable: You’re having a conversation with the voices in your head regarding the artistic and literary merits of Good Will Hunting.

  1. Farting

Inappropriate: It’s loud enough that everyone within a five seat radius could triangulate its person of origin.

Appropriate: It’s quiet enough that you can purse your lips and play it off as not being able to whistle.

Questionable: Glass shatters.

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