“Boys will be Boys”, Universe dictates—UCSB Administration’s attempt to remove sexual assault from Greek Life inadvertently separates Time and Space

KimK WormholeIn trying to introduce more specific and strict guidelines for Isla Vista “Themed Gathering” or T.G. parties, UCSB officials in tandem with Sexual Assault awareness groups have unintentionally split Time and Space, and introduced a small wormhole into the Delta Tau Delta Fraternity house.

With growing concerns that T.G.’s were becoming a hotbed of Sex crime, while paying tribute to their themes in name only, head of the Office of Student Life fraternity and sorority division Kristin Van Ramshorst released a set of strict guidelines that ensure that a T.G. must make a real attempt at its theme.

“For example,” Ramshorst outlines, “a Kanye West theme party must mandate that all partygoers communicate entirely in the artists’ lyrics, and wear jewel-encrusted masks at all times, as opposed to blackface and the occasional Kanye song interrupting the stream of Fetty Wap.”

“Furthermore,” Ramshorst adds, “a Greek History themed must include a Classics professor in attendance, and unbound homosexual experiences, and not just the choice of a Toga as one’s attire.”

Unfortunately, according to Dimensional Physics professor Dean Crusterson, “‘Boys will be Boys’ is not just a cute aphorism, it is a universal dictation. Sexual Assault and Themed Gatherings were the two most tightly intertwined concepts in our dimension, and in separating them, our universe has been split open. God help us all.”

Within minutes of the wormhole’s creation, a great snake, 100 times bigger than an earth snake, sporting a hood of flame demolished the frat house and slithered onto Pardall, eating hundreds of I.V. residents and businesses.

At press time, the hordes of Xerak’din Prime were poised to wage war on Goleta, and most likely our greater dimensional area.