After sweeping the Associated Student Election over the DP and ANAL parties, the Open People’s Party, or OPP, announced in a press release today that their newly elected candidates would spend approximately 99% of the 2013-2014 A.S. budget on their election campaign for next year.
Party representatives described the 2013 campaign as “financially exhausting,” citing major expenditures such as t-shirts, glossed flyers, and sunglasses for distribution to prospective voters. The overwhelming success of their extravagant campaign validated OPP’s belief that, in the words of the party, “mo’ money, less problems.”
“We spared no expense with this year’s campaign, and our wallets have suffered for it,” President-elect Jonathan Abboud told reporters whilst wearing OPP emblazoned aviators, board shorts, and cufflinks on a specially designed OPP suede blazer from Michael Kors. “We figured that if students loved us enough to elect us this year, why not use their money to bring us back next year?”
OPP’s proposed budget for the 2013-2014 school year would provide the party with approximately $9,900,000 to spend on their re-election campaign, leaving an estimated $100,000 dollars for other AS expenditures such as the Disabled Students Program, the Environmental Affairs Board, and the Program Board, which is responsible for the organization of Extravaganza, among other events. Program Board Commissioner Cassi Garcia told reporters that she supports OPP’s budget proposal, saying that the downsizing of her department is a tough but surmountable obstacle.
“As commissioner of a group that depends heavily on flashy advertisement, I understand OPP’s need for funds,” said Garcia after reducing the program board staff to a mere two employees. “I’m just wondering what we’re going to do for Extravaganza next year.”
“Do you guys like Aaron Carter?” added Garcia. “Because that’s probably who we’re going to get.”
Garcia’s optimism is not entirely shared by the student body. Even some members of OPP have expressed their frustration with the budget proposal, including newly-elected College of Creative Studies senator Elliot Patzkowsky.
“All I wanted was a new printer for the computer lab, and Jonathan [Abboud] kept telling me no,” said Patzkowsky from the filthy, dilapidated CCS building, for which he promised to procure renovation funds. “I had to go on Craigslist and find a printer for under thirty dollars before he would approve it.”
Unfortunately for Patzkowsky, his is the only dissenting voice in a group of excited victors. Off-Campus senator-elect Corey Lau, who planned to create a school-wide picnic called “Lawn-topia” with AS funds, seems perfectly comfortable with putting his extremely practical dream on hold for the good of OPP.
“Lawn-topia will one day come true, but right now we’ve got more important plans,” Lau told reporters. “Next year, OPP’s election campaign will feature an OPP blimp, MTD bus advertisements, and a commercial directed by Michael Bay.”
“Michael. Fucking. Bay,” added Lau. “Next year is in the bag.”