ANAL Party Penetrates Associated Students Elections

One  of ANAL's stylish campaign tees.
One of ANAL’s stylish campaign tees.

With the Associated Students elections raging on GOLD through this Thursday, UCSB students are gearing up for some real change. Signs have popped up like mushrooms around the bike path, students sport black and blue t-shirts and Facebooks everywhere are littered with the profile picture changes of the candidates and their closest friends. But while the Open People’s Party and Democratic Process Party duke it out with signs and hashtags, a dark horse group is jamming the race up from behind: the Association of Nationalist Americans for Liberation.

The ANAL party has become a big hit among several key demographics. Both liberals and conservatives delight in ANAL’s swift action and shoot first, ask questions later attitude toward policymaking. ANAL party Presidential candidate Tibor Karsai expressed his excitement about shaking things up in the back end of government. “The ANAL party was founded on the same beliefs of the DP and OPP parties,” he explained, “I think.”

When ANAL party founder and third year sociology major Bill Brown was looking for a potential candidate, he knew he had to keep up with the contemporary college election landscape by making sure minorities were properly represented. He found his man in Karsai, a second-year Croatian student who initially planned on studying at UCSB for the year. Brown hammered into him, enticing him with potential perks like providing the means to procure a new passport.

“We brainstormed for a bit before deciding on how to present Tibor,” Brown said. “We knew he was attractive. High cheekbones, tan skin, just enough body hair to be manly but not too much as to turn off the female vote. We had to have him.”

But it wasn’t easy. After years of post-Soviet dental care, Karsai needed some serious mouth work. Luckily for him, Brown packed his staff full of the highest quality beauticians and plastic surgeons. One of their top priorities and concerns is the fact that UCSB has been lacking in the prestigious Yale University “Top 25 Hottest Schools,” an annual poll that surveys the overall attractiveness of student populations.

“Losing to ASU and Miami hurts, but the ANAL party plans to hit back hard,” Brown said. That goal is evident in the ANAL party’s staff. While Karsai is the only actual ANAL party candidate in the race (as an SBCC student, Brown doesn’t qualify), the rest of the 150-person staff focuses on making sure his smile produces at least 45 watts of lumens per square foot.ANAL Womens fixed

An aggressive Facebook campaign has garnered the attention of almost 30 people across several key student demographics. Compared to the staggering number of followers on the DP and OPP Twitter accounts, 46 and 39, respectively, it is clear that the ANAL party is quickly gaining followers. Even Chancellor Yang has taken notice.

“I’m really excited about the ANAL party,” Yang said. “It sounds like a really interesting time. When does it start?”

Democratic Process Party President Sophia Armen, however, is less than thrilled. “People love DP,” she fumed. “We really don’t see much of a reason for people to switch to ANAL. Things may not be working for us, but why make them worse?”

Armen’s sentiments were partially echoed by Open People’s Party President Jonathan Abboud. “I think it’s good that a third party is being introduced,” he said. “But am I worried? Not really. We had a pretty stellar t-shirt design this year, and our Facebook page has almost 70 likes. I think we’ll be alright.”

Whether the ANAL party is simply a fad or something more permanent remains to be seen. One thing is certain though: The road that extends before them will be a bumpy and uncomfortable one.

 

 The ANAL Platform

1. Mandatory inclusion of head shots on all incoming applications.

2. Banishment and segregation of unattractive people.

3. Tanning beds on campus.

4. Tanning beds off campus.

5. T-shirts for everyone.

6. ANAL for everyone!

 

Advertisements