Police Barricades Force Deltopia Into Dorm Bathroom

bathtopiaThe now annual Floatopia facsimile “Deltopia” started as a compromise between Isla Vista residents and the seaweed-hugging, government buzzkills that forced their debauchery away from the beach. But after three years of student and sea “a-party-theid”, the Santa Barbara City Council furthered the restrictions by setting up police barricades on Del Playa Drive, forcing the entire party into a bathroom in Santa Rosa Residence Hall.

Santa Rosa resident Greg Edwards had to walk all the way downstairs to relieve himself because he “couldn’t piss with the massive boner” he achieved during the bathroom wet t-shirt contest. Visiting reveler Jeremy Richen of SLO County, however, found it convenient because the proximity of the toilets allowed him to “puke and rally” with greater ease.

“I fucking love ‘Bath-topia’!” Richen bellowed from behind the ass of his 15 year old girlfriend. “The girls are bomb, the music is bomb, and every beer is a shower beer!”

Unfortunately for the partiers, police still found a way to monitor the event. The Isla Vista Foot Patrol brought in reinforcements from Solvang, all of whom were clad in wooden clogs and  therefore quickly overtaken by the crowds. To enter the building, officers on horseback trampled freshman Audrey Edwards to confiscate her e-key, despite her lack of intention to join the party.

“I saw the whole thing,” said Kelsey London, Edwards’ RA. “It was racist police brutality. They thought they could abuse their power just because she’s Canadian.”

The Bath-topiers–oblivious, as usual– partied on until Rayshawn Washington, another Santa Rosa resident, fired what he believed to be a super soaker over the crowd, discovering quickly that it was actually his Arizona-born roommate’s M16. Washington was caught by Solvang authorities and now awaits beheading by skarpretter (headsman) Olaf Steffenssen.

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