by Ima Walken-Heah

After losing his New York City mayoral race to Democratic Socialist Zohran Mamdani, Andrew Cuomo has refused to concede defeat or back down from his claims that the election was rigged by radical communist Muslims. Enraged by Cuomo’s defeat and the supposed millions of fake ballots cast in the election, mobs of financiers, oil barons, and alleged Epstein Island visitors descended on City Hall in an attempt to stop the election results from being certified this Thursday night. The attack on City Hall, dubbed “Andruary 6th” by his supporters, left dozens injured and one rioter dead.

Dino Nadapedo, who was present at City Hall last night, claimed unchecked aggression from the NYPD caused the violence and vandalism: “So they comes outta nowhere, right, and these goons with da batons, they just starts swingin.” At press time, Gaucho Marks was able to confirm Mr. Nadapedo was not of Italian-American descent, but seemed to just talk like that. 

The NYPD maintains that all actions were taken in defense of City Councillors and the property of City Hall. “It was crazy out there,” said Chief of Police Donald Juan, “some of our guys even had to stop playing Candy Crush and tazing fare dodgers.” Mamdani has condemned the violence in NYC, releasing a statement that blames Cuomo’s failure to concede for the attack. “Once again, Mr. Cuomo seems to not be taking no for an answer.”

The New York District Attorney has promised to arrest and mildly fine all rioters present, “to the fullest extent of the law.”

Andrew Cuomo disclaimed all responsibility for the incident, claiming it was evidence of Zohran’s soft-on-crime policy (despite him not yet having taken office). However, he announced his candidacy today for Associated Students President of UC Santa Barbara. “Antisemitism and corruption have run rampant, and I’m here to straighten things out”, he said. The press conference was cut short by Cuomo staffers after he began to comment on the “big ole bazoongas” of UCSB coeds.