Steve Lamebotas kissed his wife on the cheek and closed his front door with shaking hands. His car ride to the station, usually punctuated by Kid Rock or the Joe Rogan Experience, was uncannily quiet. As he reached into his locker to pull out his police-issued bulletproof vest, his eye caught the polaroid of him and his daughter at her 3rd birthday. A tremble invaded his upper lip as he wondered if he would ever see her again. As he strapped on his gun holster, he checked the magazine and chamber – once, twice, three times. He couldn’t shake the thought that something would go horribly wrong and he’d be caught flat-footed. After saying the Lord’s Prayer, he met up with his partner. They made their way to UCSB’s epicenter of crime, chaos and violence – the path between the ILP and the Arbor.

Chancellor Assanis asserts that he feels for the families of the policemen who’ve fallen (over) in combat, but swears he’ll clean up this benighted location once and for all. 29 officers in 2024 alone – 20 so far this year – have been run down, bowled over, or spoken to rudely by roving gangs of plaid-wearing 18-year-olds riding their bikes in a pedestrian-only area. The ones left behind, the officers who remain, live in fear that they’ll add to that tally. Lamebotas is one of many such officers who don their gun and badge every day with the goal of eradicating illegal bike-riding at UCSB. At the low salary of $85,000, many officers feel that the dangers of bike coppery outweigh the benefits. 

“Sometimes my voice gives out from saying ‘No riding bikes!’ so many times.” confided one officer, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of violent retribution from students. “One of them gave me a dirty look. She said fuck-” the officer’s voice broke, tears filling his eyes, “-said fuck the police. People just don’t know what we go through on a daily basis.” One can only pray that the efforts of a highly armed militarized police force can withstand the overwhelming strength of second-year Philosophy students running late for class.