By Benjamin Epstein, a concerned parent in IV

Yesterday was Open House at my son’s elementary school. The other parents and I sat in those incredibly uncomfortable small chairs and listened as my son’s teacher droned on about the choral program. My eyes drifted around the room, and that’s when I noticed it. 

To most people, it would look completely ordinary. However, my eyes are sharp as a knife. That is why I jumped up and raised a finger from my right hand directly at the vile object in question. 

“What is that?!” I screamed.

“It’s a pair of scissors.” The teacher gawked.

“Not just any pair of scissors,” I shrieked. “It’s a pair of left-handed scissors!” 

A cold, harsh silence washed over the room.

“It’s important we have those…for our left-handed students.” The teacher gulped, sweat galloping down her forehead.

That was it for me. 

Look, a brief aside, I have no problem with left-handed people. However, I don’t want my kids to know about them until they are grown up. One thing I certainly won’t stand for is our schools indoctrinating children into the cult of left-handedism.

I immediately made my way to the principal’s office, but my pleas fell on deaf ears.

“Listen,” the large-mustached principal muttered. “Left-handedness is completely natural. Some of our teachers here are left-handed.”

With those words, my blood ran cold. How can we allow our children to be around left-handed people?! Next thing you know, they’ll be chopping off our kids’ right arms altogether.

Plus, one would think that a principal would be smart enough to know that left-handedness is unnatural. The principal could not have been any less right. Just look at the data! A quick Google search reveals the fact that only 2% of all people in the 1800s were left-handed. However, the percentage is now 10%! How did it get this way, I hear you ask. The answer is obvious, leftist indoctrination!

It gets worse. I looked through my son’s backpack and found left-handed fingerprints all over it.

The science books had photos of Albert Einstein writing on a chalkboard with his left hand. In music class, my son was learning to play the works of Mozart, a lefty! Even the copy of  “Alice in Wonderland” he was reading for English showed the rabbit holding his watch with his left paw!

The left-handed agenda is everywhere. Even Hollywood has been pushing it down our throats. The latest Disney film featured an ambidextrous princess! Why is a children’s film being political??? I don’t want my children seeing that garbage. Next thing you know, they’ll be asking me questions like, “Daddy, what are hands?” or “Daddy, what are hands used for?” and “Daddy, what’s the difference between left and right?”

We must stand up against this agenda and raise our right fists into the air in anger. This is a country founded on human rights, not human lefts! Does the second amendment not say we have the right to bear arms? Does the bible not say “And lo, God stretched out his right hand and made the world?” Isn’t the American flag itself right-handed, with the stars on the right?

I’m sure you’re all with me. You know I’m right.