By an ex-employee of the UCSB dining halls

The University of California Santa Barbara is a prestigious university, known for its pristine, oil-free beaches, and generously large dorms and living spaces. But what truly sets our school apart from any other is our fine dining halls. There’s nothing else like it, the perpetually broken ice machines and mystery meat dishes – simply delectable! But what really seals the deal is a classic UCSB hamburger. Not even Burger King could come close to the perfection that is a Gaucho patty. Each ingredient is locally sourced, and the meal is crafted with utmost care. But here at Santa Barbara, we don’t gatekeep. Now you too can make your own Gaucho burger. Follow our simple recipe, and it will surely be a hit at those parties you kids are so crazy about!

Ingredients: 

2 pounds ground turtle meat*

1 egg 

¾ cup tar 

1 tablespoon the tears of students during finals week

6 tablespoons ground pepper

2 cloves of garlic, finely chopped

*The dining halls typically send the newbies out to the pond in Storke Plaza to slaughter a couple of turtles prior to opening for the day. But I do not recommend this, as the turtles there have tough and very untasty flesh as a result of being fed mainly by people’s Ortega leftovers. Instead, hunting for them in the lagoon ensures a better dish, and is a fantastic way to meet fellow turtle hunters. 

Directions:

1. First, soak the turtles in warm water. This makes the meat more tender, and great for removing the shell with ease.
2. Mix together your ingredients into a large bowl. If you don’t have the proper cooking utensils, your roommate’s hairbrush and the shell you just removed will work well enough. 
3. Mix well, really get your fingers in there. Feel the essence of the turtles, and ponder the sacrifice that they made so that you can eat for the day. 
4. Form the mixture into 8 flattened hamburger patties on a greased pan. Again, the tar from the beach works fantastic when keeping your food from sticking to the pan. I like to scoop it up between classes and store it in my roommate’s Ugg’s. 
5. Find a grill and cook patties until browned and no longer pink. Unless, of course, you’re a freak who likes your hamburgers rare. In which case, cook to your liking. 
6. Serve up and dig in! I like to eat my patty with a classic whole-wheat bun, an organic tomato slice, and the blood of the turtles (that I drained while I watched the life fade from its eyes.) Bon appetit!