IV Foot Patrol Needs More Feet

iv foot patrol

Maybe you should humor the cop clutching a stack of papers at one of the Arbor’s iconic dilapidated picnic tables next time you walk through that locally beloved footpath. But for you Bird-riding warriors, don’t worry – they’re job applications, not tickets.


Here’s why you should consider picking one up, if not for you then for your friend that aspires to participate in hegemonic state control. As some of you know, over the weekend a car was flipped over and a number of other cars also suffered vehicular damage.


We spoke to Sheriff Jack Cunningham about the tumultuous event. “It was past curfew for us too, you know. And officer Brett just got a haircut. We had to celebrate that. And it wasn’t even that loud.”


Students wondered why authorities never showed up even though it was well past curfew and the patrol station was definitely within hearing and walking distance of the commotion. “I saw the car get flipped over through my window. I saw it… yeah, I watched and didn’t do anything about it.” testified Joy Perry, a second year Religious Studies major, “When else am I going to witness such a candidly destructive moment? I’m glad they didn’t come.”


Others closer to the string of incidents, including fourth year Psychology and Sociology major TJ Long, also expressed frustration. He said, “My Tinder date’s car windows were all smashed in. I heard a lot of noise outside. I just thought it was the usual IV bullshit. Luckily I lasted for more than ten minutes this time, but she still blocked me on Snapchat… why didn’t the cops show up at all? I was planning to shoot for eleven next time.”


“Yeah… I’m not sure what we could’ve done about all that,” divulged Officer Eleanor Carver as she thrusted a sweaty flyer at a student’s face, “We’re bracing ourselves for Halloween weekend, and we’ve had to put threes of officers in a comatose state so they can be plenty charged to lean down and squint at out-of-towners’ IDs. It’s put a huge dent in our budget. Some kid’s car getting capsized is hardly within our capability.”


This much is clear: the Isla Vista Foot Patrol needs more feet. So if you want to have your basic justice needs – keeping IV local, keeping curbs ass-free, catching car-damaging culprits, etc. – met, then swing by the Arbor and join our local police force so they can finally divide forces between two different blocks.