Taurus: Someone will try to poison your meal this week. Be wary of restaurants.
Gemini: You didn’t do the reading this week, and your TA will call on you in section.
Cancer: You’ve been working too hard this week. Take a break!
Leo: Brenda is going to key the fuck out of your car and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. And don’t you dare call the cops or something much, much worse will happen to you. You know what they say, snitches get castrated.
Virgo: The Arbor will catch you shoplifting.
Libra: You are a Libra. So you know what that means.
Scorpio: Your JUUL will explode in your face.
Sagittarius: This week will be very productive, don’t waste it!
Capricorn: You’ve been going out too much, Capricorn. Stay home tonight and rest.
Aquarius: You’ll crash your Bird this week.
Pisces: You’ll cry a lot this week.
Aries: You will meet a handsome/beautiful stranger on the street and you will feel extremely insecure for the rest of your day.