Local Santa Barbara and Isla Vista gas stations are now offering a life-altering new beverage: 5-Loko. Students who currently settle for Yerba Mate and 60 to 75% on exams will be thrilled to try this new addition to the Loko family.

Contrary to the belief of the FDA and the UN, the black-labeled drink will prove to the general public that consumable products do not need to be labeled with ingredients or nutrition facts. Who knows how much alcohol, energy juice, or methamphetamine reside within the metal walls of these forbidden drinks?

Much in the spirit of Trolli gummies partnering with a certain Marvel movie (rhymes with Red-Cool), 5-Loko will be partnering with the Marvel/Sony film, Venom. Tom Hardy could not be reached for comment, but the FDA is actively hunting him down, as well as anyone  who buys the beverage.  When buying 5-Loko, be advised to use cash only as well as a hat, trench coat, and sunglasses.