One of the most important albums of my middle school years was Bowling for Soup’s A Hangover You Don’t Deserve. Although objectively it is kind of a bad album, I occasionally revisit it due to the pull of nostalgia. I couldn’t comprehend the title as a kid, but now that I am a full-grown college student who gets plastered once a month on average, I understand how awful an undeserved hangover can feel. Here is an exhaustive list of all the times I woke up with a hangover through no fault of my own:
- When I drank 6 Long Island Iced Teas in a night: No one ever told me that one Long Island Iced Tea has, like, three shots. Those sneaky drinks don’t even taste like alcohol! If I were aware of their true nature, I wouldn’t have thrown up in a Taco Bell toilet at 3AM.
- That time I got thrown in the drunk tank: It’s cosmically unjust that I should be punished for getting hammered by being locked up and experiencing the fifth-worst headache of my life. Dealing with both? That’s too much, man!
- The night before the apocalypse: In high school, I was convinced that the world would end on December 21st, 2012. So the night before, I broke into my parents’ liquor cabinet and drank a bottle of wine. According to my text message history, that night I confessed my love to the first chair saxophone. I also emailed my trigonometry teacher and told him to go fuck himself. I experienced my first hangover the morning after. Sadly, the world did not end that day.
- When I woke up naked and disoriented at the bottom of the Grand Canyon: I do not remember the 72 hours leading up to this moment, I’ll give you that. However, I am almost certain that I did not do anything to deserve that broken femur and the second-worst headache of my life.
- November 9th, 2016: I VOTED FOR HILLARY! I SHOULD NOT BE LIVING IN THIS HELLSCAPE!!!!!