After years of complaints that the South Hall elevators were too slow, Chancellor Yang agreed to exorcise the elevators.

“For almost as long as I’ve been Chancellor, students and faculty have griped about the South Hall elevators being sluggish,” stated Chancellor Yang. “After consulting with the Religious Studies Department, I concluded that the elevators are home to evil spirits.”

“The Archdiocese of Los Angeles generously offered to send a priest to perform an exorcism in South Hall. We believe this is the proper solution, especially because we do not have room in our budget for an elevator repairman,” Yang added.

Several UCSB students have reported having supernatural experiences on the elevator, and they welcome the exorcism.

“I took the elevator to my office on the sixth floor late one night, and I heard this strange whooshing sound,” recounted mathematics graduate student Melissa Evans. “The lights went out, and the car stopped all of a sudden. That elevator was haunted. I could feel it. I made it to my office eventually, but that was the scariest experience of my life.”

“This one time I was trying to get to my professor’s office hours, and the elevator took two whole minutes to get to the fifth floor,” said third-year statistics major Gwen Merrick. “I’m convinced that the elevators are possessed by demons who hate science.”

Fr. Francisco Reyes of St. Mark’s University Parish volunteered to perform the exorcism. He began by chanting in Latin and displaying a crucifix to the elevators. When that failed to exorcise the demons, he poured holy water on all four elevators, short-circuiting them instantly. Fr. Reyes then declared the elevators demon-free. Everyone affiliated with the university agrees that the broken elevators are a massive improvement.