A Second Hydroflask Will Make You Stronger


Everybody’s favorite industrial strength portable water containers might actually strengthen your body and mind. Studies show that just by owning a brightly colored Hydro Flask participants’ mood improved by up to 40 percent. A relevant statistic as finals season sees a rise in CAPS appointments. And at only $39.99! What a deal!

Not only will your purchase make you happier, but it will literally fill you with warmth (occasionally mistaken for love), or icy coldness (occasionally mistaken for love). Known for their ability to keep hot drinks hot and cold drinks freezing, the newest addition to your Hydro Flask family is perfect to snuggle up with on a chilly camping trip or to cool you down after a workout. Whatever the case, your water bottle will improve your life altogether; never again will you worry about the temperature of your drink! This versatile new friend will be your go to, just like the one you already have but twice as useful as it strengthens you from the inside out. No temperature for your liquid will ever be out of reach: you are now twice the master of entropy that you were before.

But wait! There’s more! While empty, your Hydro Flasks may simply seem bulky and unnecessary, but once they’re full, the possibilities are endless! Hydro Flasks range in size, but did you know that the 64 oz one weighs over 5 lbs when it’s filled? What’s a better gym-buddy than your personal set of weights? There isn’t one. Except for another human being. But they don’t come with a lifetime warranty.

I know your first brightly colored baby can be a heavy burden sometimes, but with 2 Hydro Flasks you’ll finally live that ‘well balanced’ life your Instagram followers think you have. You will, very literally, be balanced, because you will probably end up carrying one in each hand (two of these are definitely not going to fit in your backpack). This guarantees you a bicep and tricep workout just by walking around holding two 64 oz steel water bottles. You are also guaranteed to impress your friends. Just remember to get the same size, unless you want to look like a boy who just learned how to masturbate.

So why not get your current sidekick a friend and double your style, strength, and happiness in return. As a Rec Cen worker, I can verify that Hydro Flasks are the path to a better life. You should get on board now; unfortunately, there’s no chance you’ll seem like a hipster because Hydro Flasks are constantly in sight here in IV. Head to the Bookstore or other ridiculously overpriced stores and get yourself some mental and physical toughness to help you cope with your mess of a life.