FBI Agent Cringes at Student’s Final Paper

FBI Agent Cringes at Student's Midterm Paper
Special Agent Emily Zhao takes a break after reading the first paragraph of Charlie Anderson’s final paper

The FBI agent who has monitored UCSB student Charlie Anderson for the past two years is considering quitting her job because Anderson’s writing is so painful to read.

As part of her surveillance duties, Special Agent Emily Zhao was forced to read Anderson’s horrendous final paper about Jack Kerouac’s On the Road that he wrote for English 104A, American Literature from 1900 to Present.

“This paper is an absolute dumpster fire,” said Agent Zhao. “It’s riddled with grammatical errors, and it’s extremely disorganized. He keeps saying he’s going to be the next Burroughs, but that’s definitely a nonstarter.”

Agent Zhao also pointed out that Anderson misinterpreted the central theme of the novel. Anderson claimed that On the Road encourages its readers to “do psychedelics and have a shit-ton of mindless sex.” Agent Zhao called the essay “grade-F work.”

After reviewing the keylogging software that tracks him, Agent Zhao discovered that Anderson had written seven of his paper’s ten pages in the twenty-four hours before the paper was due. “It’s no wonder he’s close to failing this class,” she quipped sardonically. Anderson’s grades from Gauchospace are stored on FBI servers.

“In the two years I’ve spent surveilling Charlie, I’ve seen some pretty nasty shit,” stated Agent Zhao. “My Little Pony fanfiction, hentai porn, clown porn, scat porn, Adam Sandler movies—but this essay really takes the cake.”

Despite everything, Agent Zhao admits that she has grown affectionate toward Anderson over the years. “Charlie is a nice guy at heart. Sure, he has weird taste in porn, and he’s the laziest student I’ve ever known, but he pays his rent on time and he’s always there to cheer up his friends when they’re feeling down. I saved his chat logs because they’re just so sweet.”

At press time, Agent Zhao was rewriting Anderson’s paper in hopes that he would get a “C”.

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