Vice Chancellor Mephistopheles announced Monday that UCSB’s tuition increase won’t be limited to an additional $15,000 but will also include your immortal soul.
Students are furious about the change and are already protesting. In response to the protests that have ignited since the announcement, Mephistopheles has declared, “It is obvious that while under the Trump administration, this nation is in fact no longer under the jurisdiction of God, so relying on him to help you through school would be sad and fruitless.”
UC Regents, noticing the loss of faith accompanying the election and the plummeting value of a soul in a godless nation, saw an opportunity. Outsourcing the design for University of California’s fiscal plan to Satanic cults has freed them from all moral obligations, a step they deemed necessary since discovering that money alone no longer satisfies them. “We are bored with money and power,” claimed Mephistopheles. “Our inner void can only be satiated by their undergraduate souls.”
Starting Fall of 2018, students will be required to give up exactly one whole, untarnished, immortal soul in exchange for financial aid. FAFSA has been updated to reflect the change, and will include a section where applicants must sign with their blood. Additional souls of friends or relatives may also be offered up in exchange for forgiveness of student loans. The loss of students’ souls can be deferred while enrolled. However, borrowers must pay with their souls 6 months after receiving their diplomas. The recent loss of Federal Perkins Loans indicates that Lucifer has also struck some kind of deal with members of US congress, although no evidence has surfaced to substantiate this rumor.
There is one exception to these tuition changes outlined in the plan UC Regents passed Tuesday: Article IV, section V stated that privileged, caucasian students are not required to submit their souls, as it is “impossible to pay with what you don’t have.” The afterlife status of these students is predicted to be unaffected by the change, as many of them were headed to the everlasting inferno of endless suffering anyway. After all, these students can already afford to pay their tuition in full.
UC Regents stressed that a soulless existence is not all bad. One upside to existing without a soul is that food insecurity and low quality of living become more bearable. Students may find themselves indifferent to everything, which will make it easier for landlords and Econ 10A professors to screw them over. Stress is predicted to decline, and partying in IV will no longer be accompanied by self-loathing.
The changes in tuition have left already oppressed students outraged, which the regents are confident will pass in due time. Honestly, with the amount of sin that goes on in IV and on campus, did anyone really think their soul had a chance of being saved?