UCSB Greek Life Announces Decision to Initiate Raccoons

Alpha Kappa Chlamydia’s newest member, a raccoon, enjoying an ‘American Flag Short Shorts’ event with his lineage.

After years of criticism over their lack of diversity, UCSB’s fraternities and sororities are finally taking measures towards inclusivity. As of Fall Quarter 2017, IV’s raccoons will be given a chance to be part of Greek Life.

When asked about the reasoning behind this change, Chad Willmore of Alpha Kappa Chlamydia said, “These liberal snowflakes have been on our asses for years, and we just feel like we have more in common with raccoons than with minorities or the gays.”

Miles Belville, a member of Sigma Mu, saw a little bit of himself in these new recruits. “You know, there aren’t a lot of buzzwords like ‘consent’ or ‘roofies’ in the raccoon community,” Belville said. “And that’s kind of my vision for our UCSB community as a whole.”

Others were not as thrilled with the change. Mark Whitman of Abunchoffuckinggreekletters Omega tweeted the following thoughtful statement: “This is some affirmative action bullshit.”

All in all, these new brothers have started a movement among the fraternities. Under the creative influence of Fireball and after several hearty conversations with their masked brethren, the human brothers elected blackface to be the official Halloween costume of Talpha Aao Bromega.