Anna Kraminonov and her friends came upon a familiar sight as they turned onto Del Playa Drive early Halloween night: police and horses. “I thought we had gotten out of the house early enough to avoid them this year, but I was wrong”, said Kraminonov. “I was thinking, ‘At this rate, they’ll be patrolling the streets at noon in 2020.’” She made it to her friend’s party, but the police broke it up an hour later, when “Despacito” (the remix, featuring Justin Bieber) started blaring out of the speakers. “We were playing music the whole time, and it’s not like we turned up the volume”, she recounted. “I guess they decided that it was time for the party to end.” She and her friends returned home, and spent the rest of the night drowning their sorrows in a bottle of vodka. But while Kraminonov was struggling to fall asleep, she had a revelation that cured her unease: “What if the cops and horses weren’t really cops and horses?”

Some background on Kraminonov: She’s a 4th year Philosophy major who received an A in Detective Fiction, back in the Fall of  2016. “There’s one thing that all criminals have in common,” she said, pausing before unearthing the end of her sentence. “They have a motive.” Kraminonov pulled an all-nighter, trying to figure out the identity of the entity who would have an interest in damaging Isla Vista’s reputation as the greatest Halloween destination in the country. “When I finally arrived at the answer, I was more frustrated than relieved,” she said. “Because it was so obvious, you know, and I was kicking myself for not thinking of it earlier. The fact that the ‘animals’ at the scene were horses should have tipped me off immediately. They were the smoking gun.”

“I mean, I get it,” she continued. “Cal Poly’s jealous of our UC status, our proximity to the beach, and our slightly milder climate. They don’t want to hear that we also have more fun than they do. But I think they could go about things in a more constructive way. Instead of waging war on our parties, Cal Poly should focus on developing their own. That would make all of us much happier.”

UCSB students are advised to be more vigilant next year with regards to the actions they take towards protecting Halloween from existential threats. Although she will not be in town for them, Kraminonov believes that future Isla Vista Halloweens will return to the caliber they once were. “The students know the truth now!” she proclaimed. “We won’t get fooled again!”