Reports have been circulating on UCSB’s campus this past week about a 20-year-old male in English classes campuswide who won’t shut up.

His name is Eric Scholl, and according to his peers he has yet to be silent in class for longer than five minutes. “Eric, that motherfucker. I’m so goddamned sick of hearing his fucking voice,” said Travis Shlepp, a classmate of Scholl’s. “Like, you’re not even that fucking smart, Jesus Christ. You don’t know shit about dick.”*

Gaucho Marks journalists, who have been shadowing Scholl all week, timed a monologue in his Contemporary Literature lecture in which Scholl spoke for 26 minutes straight. His professor, Richard Levmo, had this to say:

Fucking Eric, oh my god. How can someone suck this bad. You think you’re such a fucking genius, you piece of shit? I fucking BOW DOWN before you Eric, I wanna feel your shitty neckbeard all over my fucking body, Eric, as you talk loudly about things you know absofuckinglutely nothing about. It took six years of my fucking life to get my PhD, years I spent eating Hot Pockets and masturbating in the two hours a week I had to myself. For what? So I could listen to your bullshit ideas twice a week? Oh God, take me now Eric, you fucking god… Go fuck yourself Eric, you prick, you’re the fucking worst.

Scholl has affected many of his peers on a personal, and even spiritual, level. “Eric made me lose my faith in God,” said Mitchel Roberts, who is enrolled in philosophy of religion with Scholl. “He once–.”

Unfortunately this interview ended prematurely as Scholl, who had no prior knowledge of the interview, managed to find it and talk loudly over it. After 9 seconds, Gaucho Marks reporters’ ears began to bleed and consequently the only quote recorded of Scholl’s was: “Um, actually, contrary to popular opinion…”

*After going undercover and observing Sholl in a classroom setting, we were able to confirm Schlepp’s statement that Scholl “[does not] know shit about dick.”