Murderous Clown Lures IV Residents With Promise of Friends Who Text Back

The prime suspect described in the UCPD statement of warning issued Tuesday. Entertainment Weekly and Yelp reviewer Mercedes G.

UCPD officers have issued a statement of warning that describes a clown who is luring Isla Vista locals into the sewers by promising to find them friends who text back, then subsequently murdering them.

While their investigation is ongoing, police encourage residents to use the buddy system or call a CSO if walking home late from campus. The released statement advises “not to visit local sewers under any circumstances.”

“Multiple Isla Vista residents have complained to us that acquaintances were lured into the sewers by a clown claiming to have attentive and supportive friends for them,” announced Lieutenant Joseph Stevenson, head of the Isla Vista Foot Patrol, at a press conference on Friday. “Those acquaintances are all currently missing.”

Witnesses have described the suspect as a five foot five male with red hair, pale skin, and yellow eyes wearing a clown suit. He often carries a red balloon, and he has been sighted most frequently inside storm drains. Police advise anyone who sees a man matching this description to report him to the Isla Vista Foot Patrol immediately.

“We have been devoting all available resources to capturing this heinous creature, but he remains at large,” warned Lieutenant Stevenson. “Seriously, what kind of sociopath raises people’s expectations for finding friends like that? These are dark, dark times.”

The Foot Patrol has also received reports that the clown attempted to lure people by offering them buffalo chicken cheese fries, Smirnoff Ice, exam solutions, and Adderall.

“We strongly advise everyone in Isla Vista to stay out of the sewers, no matter how tempting they may seem,” Sheriff’s Deputy Vincent Wright told Gaucho Marks reporters this morning.  “Even a free marijuana cigarette is not worth your life.”

At the end of the press conference a twisted, grinning face appeared in a nearby storm drain and a sinister voice said, “Hey officer, there’s a person sitting on a curb down here.”

“Not on my watch!” shouted Lieutenant Stevenson as he drew his gun and climbed into the sewer.