Donald Trump recently agreed to undergo a thorough psychological evaluation last month at the hands of psychologist Seamus Lyer. Dr. Lyer released a statement stating that Mr. Trump “is so psychologically sound that he could go as high as 150 decibels and drown out rational political discourse entirely.”

Naturally, it was soon discovered that Dr. Lyer was a shameless liar who had received his degree from Trump University and had his college debts converted into sub-prime mortgages by Mr. Trump himself. Dr. Lyer contended that he didn’t actually attend his classes because he was “too busy volunteering at a local tax haven.” In response, Mr. Trump confidently agreed to see another doctor for a second opinion to bring attention back to serious topics such as the conversion of his penis size to metric units in order to insert himself into foreign affairs.

Dr. Avi Oos, the second person to evaluate him, revealed that Mr. Trump had filed a $20 million dollar lawsuit against her, citing moral and physical damages. Dr. Oos recalled that she “literally just played him several clips from his own speeches.” He became angry and delirious and after losing consciousness, later awoke mysteriously covered in second-degree burns, which he used in his lawsuit as evidence of foul play. Dr. Avi Oos explained, “Trump must have realized that he is what we experts call ‘a giant douche bag.’” Upon hearing this, douche bag manufacturers took to Twitter to distance themselves from Mr. Trump, even while plenty of douche bags around the nation offered their endorsements.

Mr. Trump’s lawsuit was soon thrown out after an expert witness, UCSB physicist Dr. Kahn DeSending, explained that Dr. Oos must be “one brick shy of being a shy dumb person with a brick.” When asked how he would characterize Mr. Trump, Dr. DeSending said, “Well, he’s clearly just a regular old pile of shit.” According to his calculations, when shit comes into contact with its own reflection, the repeated bouncing of light rays between the reflection and its disgusting porous surfaces causes it to heat up, then start steaming and eventually catch fire. However, even if you try to level out the porous surfaces, as Dr. DeSending explained, “You just get a polished, flaming turd in the end.”