I.V. Overrun as Thousands of Pilgrims Flock to New Ike’s Opening


Ikes place gaucho

SEVILLE RD. – Thousands of Bay Area pilgrims descended on Seville Road Monday to witness the opening of the 25th location of Ike’s Love and Sandwiches, run by Ike Shehadeh, their fearless leader dressed in a traditional buckled pilgrim hat.

“What a truly glorious occasion!” said Dan Butcher, a Danville native currently living in Goleta; “Ike has brought down delicious Turkey from across the Bay so that we may feast amongst the Santa Barbara natives. We will now teach them the way of the Bay; that while being Vegan is not necessary, Vegan options are. Now we must crunch bread with our new brethren. – delicious Dutch crunch, of course.”

Ike founded the first location in 2007, quickly gaining a following as well significant notoriety from competitors in the province. His followers were challenged during the Panini Crusades of 2009 and, of course, the great De-Crusting of 2010. After seven months of brutal trench warfare, Ike’s followers emerged victorious, spreading their message, many times by force, across the bay to Oakland and Berkeley.

“I was but a boy, nigh a man when Ike’s came to my town,” said third year biology major and San Francisco native John Blake. “I was 13 when I fought for Ike, I took a wife, I slew men, I ate many a sandwich. This opening shows me all my efforts were worth it … all my pain and suffering have manifested themselves into a fried chicken sandwich that also has mozzarella sticks on it.”

The majority of pilgrims came down the historic El Camino Real on foot, carrying nothing but water and leather-bound editions of Ike’s menu, as their scripture commanded in instances of new openings.

Passerby from Southern California and from out of state could be heard muttering, “What the fuck is Ike’s?”