In an attempt to one-up Bernie Sanders, who appeared on-screen to introduce Run the Jewels at weekend one of Coachella, Hillary Clinton made a physical appearance at weekend 2 of the festival.
Clinton’s helicopter touched down in Indio early Friday morning. She gave her bodyguards, whom she named “The Hillbillies” for the festival weekend, quite the scare when she announced she had heard about some loud sniper fire. After they rushed her to her campsite in bulletproof vests, she announced, “LMAO guys, I’m just playin’. The only sniper fire round here is this Sniper Fire OG I picked up from Obama’s guy, and this shit is LOUD.” At that moment, everyone knew that Coachella Hillary was not fucking around.
“It only went downhill from there,” Hillbilly Ned Jacuzzi remarked. When asked what her plans for day one were, Clinton replied, “I’M HILLARY FLIPPING RIGHT NOW!” It was later revealed that “Hillary Flipping” was her own variation of Jedi Flipping, which involves taking mushrooms, LSD, and MDMA. Hillary also commented “ it ain’t Hillary flipping without the codeine.” It was later reported that agent Ned Jacuzzi was also asked to “Hillary Flip” for classified national security purposes.
After going undefeated in beer pong around the Coachella campgrounds, Hillary Clinton “flipped” her way into Coachella and straight to the front row of A$AP Rocky. Clinton somehow made it onstage, took the mic from Rocky, and proceeded to recite every single verse of “F*ckin Problems” flawlessly.
A$AP Rocky later remarked, “That bitch is crazy forreal.”
With the aid of one of the longest crowdsurfs ever in Coachella history, Hillary made it to the Gobi Tent just in time to mumble the wrong lyrics to “Midnight City,” as M83 closed their set. Clinton’s come down manifested itself during Sufjan Stevens’ performance, and an emotional Hillary called for her husband Bill to console her and make her back into the “party girl she was when they first met.” Bill unfortunately didn’t pick up the phone as he himself was giving a guest saxophone performance for Purity Ring.
A now enraged Hillary hit the beer garden with a vengeance. 12 Heinekens later, Hillary Clinton had sexual relations with G-Eazy in the back of his tour van. When G-Eazy was told that he had sex with the former Secretary of State, he commented, “Shit…I thought that was Ellie Goulding. Bill’s gonna be pissed.”
Hillary later passed out in the middle of the beer garden, concluding day one. She was unresponsive until the voice of Bernie Sanders woke her as he introduced Run the Jewels. Shrieking uncontrollably, she ordered the Hillbilly sniper squad to unload rounds at the video image of her opponent Bernie Sanders. However, they were unsuccessful in destroying the image as all of the bullets all bounced off of Killer Mike’s stomach.
Word of Hillary’s day one antics quickly spread through the festival and finally reached Slash of Guns n Roses. The 80’s icon extended an invitation to Hillary to party backstage. And party she did.
After ingesting a mountain of cocaine, Clinton remarked to Slash that she was “in Paradise City.” Hillary then rejoined the masses for Ice Cube’s set and shocked the world by violently moshing to “F*** the Police,” with double middle fingers raised throughout.
News from the festival made it back to White House that the Hillary Clinton they had come to know and love had been irreversibly changed, possibly by psychedelics. In order to save the old Hillary operation IMOH (I Miss the Old Hillary) was implemented to bring her back from Coachella. Hillary Clinton got word of this and snuck out of her campsite and led the secret service on a drug-filled game of cat and mouse lasting all of day 3 until she was finally captured by net while moshing to the Death Grips.
Bummed at the inevitable return to politics and reality, a rejuvenated Hillary gave us this quote, “F*** it, if I’m elected President it’ll be Coachella EVERY SINGLE DAY!”