Recently, IV’s own retirement home was adapted to house former students who aren’t quite ready to leave our college slum. Now former students are able to stay in IV, so long as they live alongside the elderly in a similar sort of adult daycare program. One of the first to move in to the Manor using this new program was David Wilson, who recently dropped out of UCSB after a grueling 7 quarters.

“Initially it was pretty difficult to adjust to the new living style,” said David. “The transition from weightlifting to water aerobics was pretty difficult, but I’ve really grown to dig it. My back is feeling better, and my aches and pains are already subsiding!”

Christina Brown, a recent SBCC graduate, said that living in the retirement home became a lot easier when the new residents were allowed to modify the activities to their liking. “I had a lot of fun playing the drinking game we made out of mahjong, but my favorite activity is definitely strip bingo. Maurice lost last week, and boy was that a treat. I’m pretty sure he’s hung once you stretch out those wrinkles.”

Both David and Christina, as well as the other new residents, all say they finally feel as though they have found a community of their peers that is truly accepting of them. “Gladys came over to hang out in my room the other day and couldn’t stop complimenting my Christmas lights and mandala tapestry. She’s like, really chill and blazes fat 24/7. She even has a Med Card. I’d never met someone that loves smoking more than me until I met Gladys.”

David has even been able to find a couple potential romantic partners. “Last weekend I took Mildred out to a matinee movie and then she let me raw her. Something about not being fertile after menopause, whatever that means. Dude, she likes to call me ‘sonny’ in bed. I’m telling you man, these women really are freaks. They’ll do anything to you if you teach them how to send an e-mail. The other day Phyllis and Ethel starting making out at shuffleboard. It was so hot. I can’t wait for next week’s bridge game, bro. Friendship Manor forever.”