Conservative Student Realizes that Biking to Campus Makes Him Environmentally Conscious, Does as Much Damage to Environment as Possible to Compensate

Gaucho Hummer

On Tuesday, third-year Mechanical Engineering major and self-proclaimed “Republican” (an ineffective portmanteau of Republican and American) Glenn Riley made the horrifying realization that his choice of biking to campus to everyday was in fact environmentally conscious and thus implicitly a reaction to global warming, which he does not believe in.

“I didn’t see anything wrong with biking for the longest time,” said Riley. “It even seemed to be in line with my values; I could just cut people off whenever I wanted and I always had the right of way, even on sidewalk, where I could run over anyone I see with a co-op bag. Real Darwinian “survival of the fittest” stuff. But then I see this freakin’ Environmental Studies hippie riding his bike and he tells me he does it because it’s ‘good for the planet,’ which is ridiculous, ‘cause the planet’s just fine. In fact, it’s probably better for having us humans on it; we greatly strengthen its free market. So anyway, I destroyed my bike and his face right then and there. Freakin’ hippie.”

But Riley did not stop there; he has since made it his mission to do as many things that are environmentally destructive as possible. “I bought a Hummer and I drive it to class while eating unsustainably produced hamburger and waving a chain of plastic bottles that I soaked in gasoline and CFC spray and lit on fire. I also spit at any picture of Al Gore that I see, just for good measure.Unfortunately I haven’t seen any pictures of Al Gore in years, but Bernie Sanders is an acceptable substitute.”

When asked if there were any other causes that he felt particularly passionate about, he said “Immigration. We can’t go letting all these people into our country. They’d ruin the place.”