This past Tuesday afternoon, a call was made to the Isla Vista Foot Patrol claiming that a third-year student, Robert Sutton, had his phone stolen from his home on Abrego road. Upon arriving at the scene, the officers immediately suspected his roommate, Cameron Ruiz, of committing the crime. This wasn’t a stretch, as Cameron had already been arrested by the IVFP several times for burglaries and crimes of a similar nature.

Robert suspected Cameron of stealing his phone even before the police arrived. This kind of behavior is not out of the ordinary for Cameron, according to Robert, who claims “Cameron takes stuff all of the time but acts like he didn’t. Usually it’s not that big of a deal, but I really need my phone, dude. There are probably already so many new snap stories I’m missing out on.” Robert says that Cameron has taken things from all of his housemates in the past, including food, toiletries, and even clothes. “Once I couldn’t find a pair of jeans that I was looking for all day and then I saw Cameron come home wearing them. He’s like 3 inches taller than me, so it’s not like it wasn’t obvious that they were my jeans, like, Cameron doesn’t even wear capris,” commented Robert.

After becoming the top suspect in the case, Cameron was appalled. He responded, “I can’t believe they think I would steal his phone. I mean, yeah I’ve stolen things before from like stores and stuff. But I wouldn’t steal his phone, man. I have principles.” Cameron claimed that he was a victim of “lifestyle profiling,” a phenomenon where the police suspect someone for committing a crime because they had committed similar crimes previously.

Although Cameron may have principles, according to reports from the Isla Vista Foot Patrol, 8 out of every 10 burglaries are caused by the sketchy roommate. The police warn that all students should be careful with their possessions; no matter how non sketchy they might have seemed at the start of the year. Police Sheriff Eric Dennis advises, “Next time you lose something, please don’t call us straight away. Turn first to your sketchy roommate.”

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I’m looking at you, Amanda. I know you took my shoes, give them back.