While scientists desperately work to develop a cure for the deadly virus Ebola, hope appears to have sprung from the depths of Isla Vista bedrooms. According to experts at the IV Medical Clinic, a new STD strain found only in Isla Vista appears to give individuals immunity to the Ebola virus. “This new strain holds great potential for a future cure for Ebola,” explained Dr. Don Markstein of the IV Medical Clinic. “It’s like nothing we’ve ever seen before, and trust me, we’ve seen it all here in Isla Vista.”
When attempting to interview Jeremy Jackson, the 3rd year UCSB student who has been declared patient zero of the new strain, Jackson denied the offer for a personal meeting after explaining that he was currently “dripping in bitches.” Jeremy Jackson has reportedly been unable to leave his bedroom for the last six days due to an impenetrable 2-mile-wide wall of female and occasionally male Isla Vista residents begging him to have raunchy, unprotected sex. Once the news spread that Jackson was the original carrier of the STD, women from all over the world have lusted for Jackson’s tainted genitalia in order to gain immunity from this terrible disease. Dr. Markstein even went as far as stating, “Yeah, I’d fuck him.” Since the spread of the STD, which scientists have yet to give a name but Jackson has personally deemed ‘No-bola,’ both male and female residents say their own personal sex lives have increased exponentially as well. Second year UCSB student Darren Dixon remarked, “I no longer have to intentionally get a girl hammered to have sex with me. I just have to casually mention I have the new STD.” In an effort to keep people off the streets this Halloween, police officials have officially dubbed the 1st of November “I.V. Vaccine Day,” a local holiday in which residents are encouraged to “vaccinate” themselves by engaging in unprotected sexual intercourse with those infected with the STD. Further research is still needed, but the future is starting to look less bleak for Isla Vista residents and the world alike.