Straight White Males Take Vow Of Silence In Last-Ditch Attempt To Improve Public Image

Caucasian straight males enjoying a party in IV while maintaining an astonishing silence.
Caucasian straight males enjoying a party in IV while maintaining an astonishing silence.

After several millennia of questionable decisions and generally offensive behavior, straight white males everywhere plan to take a year off saying anything in a bold new PR play.

Though in the past Caucasian straight males have claimed to be both colorblind and humanists, reactions of severe outrage as well as demands for the immediate checking of their privilege have been directed at them nearly everywhere that they have uttered a sentence.

The world’s population of straight, male whites has therefore agreed upon a resolution; rather than educate themselves on the sensitive issues of institutionalized violence and oppression which white men have inflicted upon minority groups for centuries, they would save themselves time and energy by simply taking a vow of silence.

Students of varying race, class, and gender identity have described the silence as “eerie,” but also undoubtedly “better than drunk white boys misquoting Drake lyrics back and forth” and “insisting on guessing one’s racial makeup” at parties. Masses of straight white males have been seen wandering the streets of Isla Vista attempting to convey their ideas to one another through various alternative methods, including pointing, pointing and grunting, charades, and spelling words on the concrete with urine.

22-year-old Isla Vista resident Shirlee Cain pointed out that her boyfriend has been much more presentable since the worldwide agreement went into effect. “He hasn’t hit on any of my friends in like two weeks, and he only seemed slightly disgusted when my friend Zoe mentioned she was queer.” When asked to comment, Shirlee’s boyfriend pointed at a patch of grass, then a skateboard, and then a passing dog. The meaning could not be deciphered, but was likely offensive somehow.

Nadia Gomez, Chican@ studies major and active member of UCSB’s Queer Student Union, responded to the agreement made by white men everywhere by first rolling her eyes and then admitting “I guess it’s better than white dudes getting butt-hurt over reverse racism on Reddit all the time.”

At press time, the straight white males of the world held fast to their innovative new strategy, bringing an unanticipated calm — which spectators infer has to do with the men no longer having to constantly defend their self-described “jokes”–  and a remarkable influx of urine, to the streets of Isla Vista.

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