After over thirty years of informing Isla Vista residents that they carry various mild to severe sexually transmitted diseases, the Isla Vista Neighborhood Clinic celebrated its 5000th ruined relationship last Friday. Nurses, doctors, and orderlies cheered as Abbie Clemens tearfully argued with her boyfriend of three years after testing positive for gonorrhea, which he presumably transferred to Clemens after contracting it from another woman. “We’ve dedicated ourselves to achieving a near perfect record of accurate, swift detection and inevitably driving devastating wedges between young, promiscuous couples,” said Dr. Peter Glenn of the IVNC, “and it’s so rewarding to see our work finally pay off.” Dr. Glenn cited advancements in medicine, online awareness campaigns, and the frequent weekend visits of known Casanova Derek Briggs as factors in the IVNC’s incredible achievement. “We’ve diagnosed more STDs and emotionally crippled more young men and women than ever,” added Dr. Glenn, before toasting, “Here’s to five thousand more!” At press time, Dr. Glenn was spotted adding another small, broken heart to a white board in his office after informing junior Carly Porter that she was, indeed, pregnant.
IV Neighborhood Clinic Celebrates 5000th Ruined Relationship