In the wake of Governor Jerry Brown’s signing of a bill that would allow relatives of mentally disturbed gun owners to ask law enforcement officials to confiscate their loved ones’ weapons, members of the growing firearms equality movement have expressed their outrage to California lawmakers and media outlets nationwide.

The new law, which passed in the aftermath of May’s brutal mass shooting, has been criticized by gun owners as yet another example of the government’s heartless disenfranchisement of innocent guns across California. Gun owner and activist Jerry Brecht told reporters last Thursday that he believes the law to be founded in the antiquated belief that guns do not deserve the same rights that other citizens enjoy.

“Governor Brown should be ashamed,” said Brecht, while grasping his beloved Sig Sauer P229. “My gun shouldn’t have to live in a world that makes her feel like less than a person.”
“I mean, it’s 2014,” added Brecht. “Wake up, people.”

Mossberg 590, a pump action shotgun and President of the California Association For The Advancement of Deadly Weapons, or CAADW, has spent the last four years tirelessly working to provide a strong voice and fair representation for California’s marginalized firearm community. President 590 foresees that this law will only cause a great deal of pain to hardworking, California guns by tearing them away from their homes and forcing them into tumultuous, criminal lives.

“Studies have shown that separating guns from their emotionally unstable owners causes more heartbreak than good,” said President 590. “We need to ensure that guns stay off the streets and in the possession of the sociopaths who legally purchased them.”

Already, numerous guns have been confiscated by state law enforcement officials after reports that their owners planned to carry out violent acts of vengeance against their transgressors, including Glock 17C, a gun belonging to recently laid off construction worker and Bakersfield resident Dale Shanahan.

“Don’t let them take me, Dale!” cried 17C while Bakersfield Police Department officers wrenched him from Shanahan’s grasp. Shanahan sobbed as he reassured his gun that he would be taken to a comfortable new home where he could “play with lots of other semi-automatic weapons.”

“You bastards,” Shanahan snarled at the officers. “17C and I are going to get our revenge on you all after my next 10-day waiting period.”

Despite this heavy setback, President Mossberg 590 believes that the future will hold better luck for his fellow firearms. “Times are changing, and there are more and more progressives who see guns as equals than ever,” said President 590. “I will work harder to ensure that guns everywhere will eventually coexist with the rest of the American people, both the stable and the insane.”

“Who knows?” added President 590. “One day, maybe guns will even have the right to vote.”