Open People’s Party Sweeps Second Consecutive Resume Bolstering Election

Daily Nexus

Last week, the UCSB student body voted to bolster the resumes of candidates representing the Open People’s Party for the second year in a row.

Candidates and supporters of both parties gathered in the Hub Thursday evening to witness the release of the final vote count on a large projection screen. By securing seats in both the executive and senatorial branches of Associated Students, O.P.P. ensured another strong year for their party and their future job applications. In a stirring victory speech, A.S. president-elect Ali Guthy reflected the feelings of her fellow winning candidates.

“Ask not what your representatives can do for you,” said Guthy. “Ask what your representatives can do for a Los Angeles-based PR firm in an entry-level position.”

Other triumphant candidates expressed their excitement to represent UCSB in the 2014-2015 professional hiring pool, including on-campus senator-elect Daisy Fernandez, whose campaign slogan “Please Help Me: The Only Job I’ve Ever Had Was At Little Caesar’s” won over voters with a 51.6% plurality.

“I’m honored to have been chosen for such an important job,” said Fernandez. “The students deserve representatives who will dedicate their time in office to exploiting the dubious prestige of their positions and finding work after graduation.”

Sources indicate that the O.P.P. candidates appealed to voters by groveling door-to-door in Isla Vista, erecting boards across campus depicting their meager work histories, and educating students on the career limitations of a political science B.A.

“I had a really great conversation with one of the O.P.P. candidates about his goals for the future,” said third-year biopsychology major Calvin Sachar. “By the end of it, I was convinced that he’ll really need all the help he can get during the post-grad job search.”

The losing Democratic Process party candidates expressed outrage at the election results. D.P. presidential candidate Navkiran Kaur told reporters that she believes the current electoral system is rigged against her party and doesn’t accurately represent the wishes of UCSB students.

“I don’t understand how the oppressive, ignorant, cisgendered and over-privileged student body didn’t find us likeable enough to strengthen our resumes,” said a visibly confused Kaur. “It just doesn’t make any sense.”

At press time, the victorious candidates had already entered their transition period into A.S., during which time they will learn how to write cover letters, vote in favor of placating their constituents, and collect honoraria without doing any actual work.