Study Shows Isla Vista Almost Depressed Enough to Build Souplantation

SouplantationThe population of Isla Vista is in a troubled state. All of those late, regretful hookups followed by days filled with self-loathing and shame have brought a sense of depression among residents. As a result, students are prompting UCSB to bring a Souplantantion, a prized, well-known eatery known for its flavorless mashed potatoes and “lively” atmosphere, into the heart of Isla Vista.

A study by the UCSB Department of Psychology examined the mental state of Isla Vista’s residents and revealed that states of self-pity, loneliness, and utter insecurity have increased by 47% over the last year. Counseling and Psychological services offered on campus were inadequate to ease this widespread emotional anguish. The beautiful environment that is Isla Vista has not been able curb the decline of optimism and happiness. Researchers believe that soups and soggy bread bowls are the only comfort that will uplift the community of Isla Vista out of depression.

Emily Wineburg, director of the American Psychological Association, says, “Therapy is just simply unable to assist these students in a dangerous mental state. Souplantation has shown, again and again, that their watery, flavorless soups have had a tremendous efficacy in getting joy-deprived individuals into a better frame of mind.”

Janice, a UCSB third year, says, “Therapy, the massage chair, sitting on the beautiful beach, my loving family; none of them are helping my crippling depression and self-hatred. I wish I could drown myself in Souplantation’s less than savory clam chowder and delicious, pre-frozen tomato soup specials. My Fridays will never be as good as they could be. ”

Isla Vista’s high rates of psychological trauma have spurred many students to practically beg for a Souplantion. Several testimonies have shown that UCSB residents will only emerge from their state of depression if the well known eatery is built and allows the students to alleviate their depression in its famous salad bar amenities and unlimited supply of baked potatoes. UCSB officials speculate that the Souplantation will arrive in Isla Vista by 2016, by which time the depression rate in Isla Vista will have increased to a full 100%