CALPIRG, an environmentalist student organization, was revealed on Monday to be an anti-terrorist spy program according to leaked NSA documents.
NSA spies posed as clipboard wielding petitioners outside of the Arbor, using the CALPRIG method of data collection to identify and detain environmental terrorists at UCSB. Environmentally aware students who pledge CALPRIG are at risk of deportation and detainment in Guantanamo.
“I thought the electric car thing was a nice idea,” student Lucy Ables said. “I signed the petition without really reading it. Later that night, I noticed a curious black van outside of my apartment, and then it was obvious that my phones were tapped too.”
The spy program was inaugurated in 2009 under the Obama administration and has since collected the names, addresses, and phone numbers of over 7,200 environmentally conscious students at UCSB. According to the documents, the primary goal of the operation is to infiltrate organic food markets and to detain leaders of the Isla Vista Co-op Housing program.
“Petition fishing is just the tip of it,” the leaked documents said. “We have to get into the Co-ops. That’s where these hippie terrorists are getting dirty; that’s where we need to hit them.”
Some of the aforementioned hippies are increasingly suspicious of CALPRIG members, who once were integral members of the hippie community.
“I got an uneasy feelings from our last roommate. First of all, he was pretty old, like sixty-years-old,” Arnold Partheid, a resident of the Biko Co-op house said. “He kept installing stuff onto my computer. I didn’t take it seriously at first because I thought he was too old to really know how to use a computer. And when we wanted to plant a new patch of kale in the back, he kept interrupting to ask when we were gonna ‘blow shit up.’”
Partheid went missing after his interview with the press and was assumed to have taken a spiritual journey with his other Biko housemates to the San Ynez Mountains. These leaked NSA documents reveal, however, that the dirty hippies were taken to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
Since the revelation that environmentally pro-active students are abducted and detained in Guantanamo, UCSB students petition in the Arbor for their release. But efforts to raise awareness through petitions and flier handouts are met with hostility. Students who walk past the library and the Arbor now walk with their heads down to avoid making eye contact with anyone with a clipboard.
“I don’t know who to trust anymore. Any one of these high-spirited and pro-active young people could be an NSA agent,” student Tom Billston said.
UCSB has yet to take official action. UC President Janet Napolitano publically released a comment on the issue.
“I’m proud to see the student body united against an injustice not related to me,” UC President Napolitano said.
Because the conditions in the Guantanamo Bay prisons are not very different from those of the Isla Vista housing Co-ops, officials are in no hurry to save the hippies.