After browsing through the winter issue of The Catalyst, local dreamboat Connor Leopold expressed his displeasure with what appeared to be a depiction of him in one of the literary magazine’s numerous poems.
The poem, entitled “Blue-Eyed Wonder” and penned by sophomore Comparative Literature major Natalya Marsh, depicts a young, strong-handed, somewhat mysterious Caje barista with whom the poet is clearly infatuated. Leopold, who began working at Caje during fall quarter and has been confirmed by experts to be a “total stud muffin,” reportedly analyzed context clues within the poem and determined that its subject could be nobody else but he.
“At first, I was flattered to be portrayed in a poem that got published in The Catalyst, but then some of the details began to really bother me,” said Leopold. “One stanza states that my hair is like ‘tendrils of celestial light shining softly against [Marsh’s] face,’ which is a completely inaccurate description.”
Added Leopold, “I’d say it’s more like molten bronze cascading down the chiseled furrow of my brow.”
The 22-year old heartthrob pointed out further discrepancies in Marsh’s poem, including a simile that likens his nose to a dollop of tapioca pudding and speculation that he spends his time away from Caje “surfing in the crepuscular heartbeat of the Pacific Ocean.”
“I’m from Barstow,” argued Leopold. “I’ve never surfed in my entire life.”
Leopold took action against The Catalyst for publishing such a grossly misleading poem by e-mailing his complaints to the magazine’s editor-in-chief, Natalie O’Brien. The e-mail requested that O’Brien recall the entire circulated issue of The Catalyst and remove all references to the “playfully crooked half-smile” and “penetrating sapphire gaze” of the Global Studies major and babe magnet.
“I know that asking them to edit an entire issue is a huge request,” said Leopold after handing an agave latte to a swooning female Caje customer, “but this poem isn’t scribbled in some girl’s notebook; it’s in print. I don’t want to go down in history as a ‘tortured soul/caged in sinew/craving the emancipation of [Marsh’s] blushing grasp.’”
“What the hell does that even mean?” asked Leopold.
In addition to the excerpts cited above, Marsh’s poem included several fantasies of graphic sexual intimacy with Leopold, presuming him to be a “potent lover” who “wields his tongue like a musketeer’s sabre.” The beefcake reportedly had no objection whatsoever to such depictions, confirming that they were 100% accurate.