I’m a Single, College-Aged Mother Just Trying to Boost the Economy
By Heather Wiener, UCSB Communications and Political Science Major
When I conceived my son Jacob during my 1st year at UCSB, I knew I was making the right decision when I opted not to terminate my pregnancy. I had barely turned 18 and my roommates advised me that abortion would be the better option. I had an entire life ahead of me that needed to be fulfilled, a life that would be burdened with the presence of a child. Even though this may have been the obvious solution, I knew there was much more to this unplanned pregnancy. I knew that my unquestionable physical attractiveness and the delicious physique of my child’s father, whoever he may be, would combine to create an incredibly beautiful masterpiece that would bring jobs to countless Americans.
My decision may have been influenced by the fact that I am a conservative republican, and I had just binged on an entire season of Toddlers and Tiaras the day before the conversation with my roommates. Still, I knew I was making the most rational decision. This baby demigod growing inside me could potentially benefit my economic status as well as my great nation’s market economy. It’s just like Virginia Congressman Robert Goodlatte’s been saying for years; “More children promotes job creation.” Someone in the service sector has to care for all those kids. I don’t have the time since I’m a Communications and Political Science double major. I decided that after Jacob’s exit from my vaginal canal, I would enter him in pageants so that he could compete and undoubtedly win. Jacob did in fact win the title of Cutest Illegitimate Baby at the Isla Vista Children’s Pageant two years in a row. His cash prizes and Pampers modeling career salary cover most of my tuition and bills, with some left over to fund my alcoholism and burgeoning coke habit.
Basically, my child bearing could potentially boost the economy. Congressman Goodlatte believes breeding very much promotes job creation, which is why I recommend that before any of you UCSB students decide to destroy the fetus, think about all the jobs that baby could create, and maybe if your genes are as incredible as mine, you too could have a Glitz king or queen on your hands.
Wake Up, Mommy
By Jacob Wiener, Toddler
Wake up, Mommy! Wake up! Did you drink some of that smelly stuff again? You said that stuff is no good. You said it upsets your belly. Why did you drink it again, Mommy?
Mommy! We’re all out of cheerios again! I’m so hungry.
Don’t worry, Mommy, I’ll take care of you. I’ll help you clean this mess right up. You just rest, OK Mommy?
I’ll try not to make too much noise. I know the noise hurts your head.
Someone is banging on the door, Mommy! Maybe it’s the delivery man. Maybe he has the suit you ordered for my next Glitz pageant! Don’t worry, Mommy, I’ll get the door.