Last Thursday, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced the 2014 Oscar nominees, sending movie buffs across the nation into a spiral of speculation and debate. This year’s divisive list of Best Picture nominees in particular seems to say a lot about the country’s diverse taste in film, so we compiled a complimentary list to help our readers determine their place within the zeitgeist based on their favorites for this year’s top prize.
12 Years a Slave
You are a huge Obama supporter. You also believe that Lee Daniels’ The Butler should be on this list, and that Oprah totally got snubbed. You are campaigning to have the movie screened in middle schools to make sure the children know the truth about America.
You are stuck in the 70’s. Your favorite movie is probably Goodfellas. You enjoy cocaine in a classy way, unlike those Wolf of Wall Street douches. You picked Argo to win last year. You are balding.
Building miniature ships in bottles is your only hobby. You are an emotionally unavailable father. You are also racist.
Dallas Buyers Club
This film fulfilled your lifelong dream of watching Matthew McConaughey take his shirt off to reveal a gaunt, emaciated canvas of anemic and pasty flesh.
You are not Neil Degrasse Tyson.
You have never been in a relationship that lasted longer than three World of Warcraft quests. You have good taste in movies, just not in mustaches.
You live in Portland. You have only seen the trailer for this film.
You have, at some point, forced every single person you have ever lived with to watch Fawlty Towers with you. You often speak in a British accent despite the fact that you were born in Yorba Linda.
The Wolf of Wall Street
You are a white, heterosexual brother of the Delta Tau Delta fraternity. You commit no fewer than seven acts of sexual harassment per day. Your father abandoned you as a child, and presumably loved Captain Phillips.